Me Figuring Out The World

2011-08-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

Outside my comfort zone, i'm forced to endure the pain, and make do of what I have and where I am, in order to fulfill His call for me, and that is to help and serve others, and share His love and life. It's exhausting when the world thinks and feels so differently.

2011-06-12T21:46:00.003+08:00

I promise to love, no matter what.

2011-04-30T11:22:00.000+08:00

I'm still overwhelmed.

Thank you Lord for loving me.

2011-04-30T11:18:00.002+08:00

After spacing out while watching Thor, something hit me.

Hello real world. I finally signed that contract I've been praying for for days now, and then I have this strange feeling in my gut that after being so happy for a short time, and after getting what I want, I realized it's not as wow as I thought I would feel. I actually feel more uncertain about things and about my decisions. But then it hit me hard. Love. As cheeseballs as it may sound, I think that's the only answer. No matter how uncertain things feel, you love.

--

2011-03-31T09:00:00.004+08:00

So this is what being unemployed feels like. I've only just graduated last Saturday March 26, 2011. I'm glad, the past couple of days came by so fast. Just to break it all down...

March 10 - 18
Silent retreat at the Mirador Jesuit Villas in Baguio City. 8 days of not talking and yet saying everything there is to say to yourself and to your God. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. It's not because i'm uncomfortable with the silence. Unexpectedly, i'm very attuned with it. The more difficult part was the confronting of oneself, and the pushing away of all anxieties and insecurities. Never in my whole entire life that I have felt so loved and ironically this was the only time that I was ever really alone. Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139 with sum it all up. :)

March 19
Scholars-Benefactors get-together, and overnight at my house. Good food and good company! This was the day I was informed that I am now an AASA Execom. That was surprising. I'm torn with up to what extent should I be active. But then again, I guess it would be one way for me to give back. :) It was also a bonding evening with my COA barkada. SG-KL team. It's true what Bob said that evening that these people might just be one of my sure friends for life. :)

March 20
ADMU Bad-ass pictorial, Bukas Palad concert, EB food binge. Ateneo is really beautiful when it's quiet. So I guess students make it a little less beautiful. HAHA. I think most of our shots were illegal. Good thing the guards didn't see us. Bukas Palad as usual was awesome. I always get teary-eyed whenever I get to watch them perform. Got to see the EB, too bad Ara and Ken were not there. We ate at Gloria Maris shabu-shabu and went to Moksha as I got acquainted with something-Tiger (i really should remember the name of that drink, I finally met my match, one glass and I was tipsy, oh that's why I don't remember. haha). I'm sure i'll miss this passionate batch of leaders. I've learned so much from them. :)

March 21
Graduation practice, Banapple dinner, and block symposium. Grad practice was the usual. But it was less stressful than I expected. Banapple dinner with Joy was spontaneous as we got to talk about a lot of things about the future and well issues in life. She's been a huge blessing in my life. Don't know what I'd do without her in it. :) Block symposium was really fun. It was the first time I saw Henson drink. :))) A lot of funny stories. It was really nice to catch up. I don't regret staying with this block. I've been lucky to meet the most wonderful and simple people I know. :)

March 23
Heart to heart at the Gesu and Blue Roast
I feel lucky to have met and grown close to Ate Rica. :) I stand by the fact that she truly is one of the kindest blessing I've been given. I also gave my blue rose to Leo and finally I was able to tell him about my silly puppy love with him. Glad that's finally over. I still don't understand why people still need blue roses for them to tell someone you like them. Why not let things be spontaneous, or let it be that expressing yourself be normal and not be catalyzed by some kind of symbol.

March 26
GRADUATION! FINALLY :) I offer it to my family who gave their unwavering support for the whole 21 years of my life and my 5 years in the Ateneo. :) I will give back out of love. :)

So after graduating, here I am, making up for all the lost time of rest and sharing bonds with important people in my life. My only problem is, I can't take the fact that I am still jobless whilst I spend so much on dinners and gimmicks. Every single morning is uncertain. All I can do is surrender it all to Him.

2011-02-19T02:00:00.001+08:00

It's 2am on a Saturday Morning, I just came from a movie with a friend, and I'm currently drinking my Raspberry Curant in front of Starbucks Eastwood. There's an influx of thoughts going through my head right now. Like how a simple facebook status can sometimes be a sign of insensitivity, or how 3 minutes can mean a whole new different life for you, or how a single person can single-handedly make you happy out of a hundred other known ones.

I never really have time to figure out these thoughts.

I hope my senior year would finish soon, so the understanding can come.

A Change in Perspective

2011-02-06T22:39:00.006+08:00

It really has been a while.

I can't remember the last time I ever felt so inspired to actually write something about my life. Heck I can't even remember the last time I ever wanted to really as in really seriously write a blogpost because I was actually feeling happy about myself. Usually, it's easier to write something when it's sad because the intensity of the drama would help you articulate things in such a strong and expressive manner. But to tell you the truth, I am feeling exceptionally happy today. Since yesterday actually. And strangely, there really hasn't been much exciting things happening to me that would help me explain my utter bliss and peace. It was actually one of my worst weeks ever.

I've definitely had better days. I missed several job interview calls. I got sick with the flu. I missed several quizzes this week. I missed my programming exam and networking job opportunity. I had major fail moments with my panel meetings for the organizations. I had petty quarrels with some of my friends. My thesis isn't really moving the way I wish it would. I have so many school requirements with the great fear of not actually graduating.

And to top it all off, I have myself to argue with being so insecure and unsure for the past couple of days. I've been struggling with making decisions for myself, with graduation coming to a close and this new chapter in my life is about to open, i'm just not sure if i'm courageous enough to finally commit myself to something that I really want but suffer the repercussions and the uncertainties that come with it. I've been struggling between what I really want and what is being asked of me by other people, and what is really needed. It's not easy when your future is staring right at you and it's shouting "C'MON, DECIDE ALREADY!".

So yeah, I've had better days.

But with much pondering, and prayer, i've seent that maybe things aren't as bad after all. Now that i've thought about it, and maybe because I have calmed down from all the stress, it's not really as devastating.

My situation isn't really like anything that's been happening to those people who are in Egypt right now, or those who just survived the Navotas tragedy, or those children who walk around the streets to beg people for food and just an ounce of time to just get to know them. I guess it's so unfair for me to even think that i've been having a very bad day, when they've experienced so much worse. It's not that i'm trying to make myself feel better because of other people's shit. It's just that I have better things to do than mope around and feel sorry for myself, when I have so much capacity to make things even better not only for me, but also for them. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, there are just so many other things that are so much more important than my current concerns right now, and I can't believe that i've been so blinded by the superficialities of life, that I completely forgot. I guess I was too preoccupied and worried about the wrong things. Maybe the answer's just so simple, and maybe I need not over-think things too much.

Some of the problems that I have are very temporary. In other words, i'll definitely move on and get over them. Like being sick, and school requirements. So I guess there's not much to fuss about.

As for my future, yes it's definitely scary, but I guess, choosing to take that leap will all be worth it, regardless if it'll be painful along the way. So right now, I choose both what I want, and what is being asked from me based on what is REALLY NEEDED. I still have many wants, and i'm now in the process of trimming them down and picking those that matter most. Nothing's final as of the moment, but i'm really glad to have been taking baby steps. Hopefully, i'll get there. Maybe by then i'll gain enough courage to make what I think are the right choices, and those that i'll be willing to stick with and fight for for the rest of my days.

With all these realizations, i've also discovered just now that i've been very lucky to be surrounded with sensible and mature people, and very supportive ones at that. They make all the struggle and sad times worthwhile and bearable. I'm just really happy to have a great family, an awesome set of friends and loved-ones, and of course Him. For a very long time, i've been trying so hard to prove that I am worthy to be loved and be taken cared of. But now I realize that I really shouldn't be trying that hard. I've also realized that i've been so unfair to them for making things extra difficult, when it's an unnecessary burden for us. I'm glad to have rid myself of that weight.

I've experienced a lot of changes in perspective these past 7 days. I realized my life isn't perfect, but it's definitely a work in progress. Learning to be more is truly a blessing. Everything WILL fall into place. I hope for it.

2010-12-08T13:55:00.002+08:00

I wish I could've said something, or given you a hug, or maybe a simple smile or maybe just a thank you.

And now it's just too late.

I will forever miss you.

2010-11-30T17:12:00.000+08:00

Said goodbye to Toshiba Global Recruitment. I don't know if it's the right decision, but I really don't feel my passion and direction for it. :(

Somehow I just don't feel it's the right choice.

I hope I don't regret this.

2010-11-28T14:12:00.001+08:00

I'm in love with the wrong person.

F me.

Unspoken

2010-11-28T10:53:00.002+08:00

I feel so misunderstood.

I'm surrounded by people who can be so judgmental.

Up to what extent would you listen to what other people are saying?

----------------------------------

I'm falling real hard, and you have no idea.

You'll probably never know.

I'm just so happy with you..-- it hurts to know that nothing will happen.

Oh well this is my curse.

Alive

2010-11-26T01:24:00.002+08:00

It's amazing the comfort that you get from shedding much tears and spending almost the whole day and evening with the people who matter to you most. I've never felt so devastated and happy all in the same day.

I feel so alive. My heart has never beat this much for a while now out of emotions that feel so real.

I just realized today how human I am.

Insanity

2010-11-23T21:42:00.001+08:00

WTF.

Lola's in the ICU.

This can't be happening. NOT NOW.

How can someone deserve this?

I told myself i'll try my best to always smile.

This just makes this more difficult.

:) :( :) :( :) :( :)

I'm insane.

Reopening for the nth time.

2010-11-13T18:25:00.004+08:00

I always say that I want to start reusing this blog.

But why can't I finish

what I started.

Nakabibingi.

2010-11-13T17:49:00.005+08:00

Nakabibingi.

Maraming nagsasalita, marami akong naririnig na tunog, ngunit wala akong maintindihan. Nakapanlulumong pilitin ang sariling maintindihan ang mga bagay na hindi (sa palagay ko) dapat pinag-uusapan. Masayang magkaroon nang paunti-unting kawalang-kahulugan sa mga pag-uusap. Pero kung parating kawalang-kuwentahan na lamang, nakakawalang gana makipag-usap at magsalita. So mabuti na lamang sigurong manahimik, at manood at bigyang kahulugan ang sarili na hindi kailanman maiintindihan ng iba.

Sa kasalukuyan, wala rin akong kamalayan sa kung ano nga ba ang dapat, kung ano rin ang hinahanap ko, o kung ano rin ang nais kong marinig. Puro kalabuan lamang ang laman ng katotohanan ko.

Kaya mainam marahil na manahimik at makinig at baka sakaling may marinig na rin ako.

----
Pagod na ako.

Kung alam niyo lang.

Mahirap pumasan ng mundo na hindi mo naman dapat pinapasan.

Introspection

2010-05-20T22:57:00.002+08:00

"Anna, are you sad?"

I've been haunted by that question for the past 2 days now. After that signature analysis, I'm surprised at how simple strokes can have that much impact to my entirety.

Am I sad?

Maybe.

But I have glimpses of happiness in my life.

But is that enough?

Sometimes it really helps to hear it from other people for you to imagine how real it is. Sometimes you need other people to say it to you straight in the face because you'll realize that one of the hardest things to do is to face yourself and admit that there is something wrong. If it not for that night, I would've never known how much I've let my life pass by without me even noticing. It was a slap on the face, it hurts, yes, but feeling the pain makes the experience more real.

Now what's left, given that it's acknowledged, is to process and do something about it.

I just hope I find time to do this, fast.

Life's too short. Sayang ang panahon.

Reopening

2010-05-16T20:11:00.005+08:00

I'm reopening this blogger account.

This will be epic.

This will be one of my feeble attempts to make sense out of this world, and maybe try to get a concrete sense of the escapist in me.

And maybe this is one of my attempts to bring back the cha that was lost in the midst of the chaos and the objectivities of life.

Welcome back chanthesse.

Back.

2009-05-21T02:09:00.001+08:00

It's almost 2:00 am. Last time i checked the clock, it was only 12 am.

2 hours of experimenting (no, not in the chemistry lab sort of thing... something else..). Talk about unproductivity. But then again, i realized certain things.

These past 3 weeks, I had been really confused about myself and what I feel.

But now I guess everything's clear. I'm not who I think I am. Thank goodness..

I went to Fr. Ben's and Mr. Rene San Andres' leadership forum. I learned a lot. And in a sense, I was affirmed after the past doubts I have about my leadership and maturity about certain things.

Two reports POS 100 and Ch136. Both ok... Both crammed. But I couldn't have crammed any better. Best cramming experience ever.

Overall, I'm quite speechless of what's been happening in my life at the moment.
Too much mixed emotions. Too much complications. Too many misinterpretations.

---- I love being vague and random. I missed this.

2009-04-23T14:45:00.002+08:00

Mageemo lang ako. ngayon lang, pagbigyan niyo na ako.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YOU CALL YOURSELVES MY FRIENDS?!

WHATEVER.

I'll do this, alone.

ARRRRGH.

hai.

because I was too busy.

2009-01-01T07:08:00.000+08:00

while browsing through my planner, my multiply contacts, and friendster friends list, I suddenly realized something...

There were A LOT of friends whom I forgot to greet last 2008! of course, it wouldn't take much of a genius to figure that every year my friends would celebrate their birthdays. And sometime during the year, there would be one day that I'd be greeting them a happy birthday! But there were very few moments those words came out of my mouth, or my pen, or my cellphone.

I suddenly felt I've grown apart from a lot of people. Those that I usually talked to when I was in highschool, I absolutely have no idea what's been going on with their lives.

These are moments when I begin checking on my priorities.

It's been more than a year since I've seen any of my high school friends. So what happened with keeping in touch and friends forever? THEY were keeping in touch, while I was busy creating another world.

And that was MY mistake.

I hope more than a year of not talking didn't change much of anything. (asa pa ako.)

Hai, I miss people.

and I hope me saying BELATED HAPPY TO ALL OF YOU isn't too late.

here I end my year-ender posts

2008-12-31T15:44:00.000+08:00

It's just a few hours before 2009.

Just a few moments left before i say goodbye to this one heck of a year. I don't want to reminisce. Whatever happened this year put me to where I am right now, whether it be downright tragic or exaggeratingly happy.

I've learned a lot, and I'm hoping to learn more.

I'm just thankful to have had experienced ALL OF IT.

As for new year's resolutions? I guess I'd be lying if I say I don't have any. I have a LOT. But I'd rather keep that to myself, for now.

Although there is one thing I would really want to happen this 2009,

and that is,

to live like I have never lived before.

Too much?

Nah, I don't think so...

That's what were struggling to do every day...

A happy and prosperous 2009 to everyone!

Cheers!

here i begin my year end posts.

2008-12-30T15:00:00.000+08:00

Because I got a lot of things to do, and I got bored doing them. haha.

Got this from Troy and Meryl.

Where did you begin 2008?
Bel-air drive, outside our house in Laguna.

What was your status by Valentine's day of 2008?
Single and very very happy.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
i was sent to the hospital for asthma attacks, a tension strain on my neck, and a biopsy surgery.
SO YES. I had to go to the hospital.

Did you have any encounters with the police?
none.

What did you purchase over $500?
i don't have that much money.

Did you know anybody who got married?
other than celebrities, no one close to me or my family.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
no relatives, but a lot of close family friends. especially during the months of October and November.

What sporting events did you attend?
UAAP. the best was the championship game of Ateneo - La Salle.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
gigs here and there, but no major concert

Where do you live now?
New house in Laguna. Still in Laguna Bel-air, but in a different Phase.

Describe your birthday.
Spent the whole day at our house. It was surprising that classes were suspended. Just with family, my tita and her children from the states.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did?
quit the ateneo judo team. :(

Any new additions to your family?
hm, none that I know of. haha.

What was your best month?
December! :)

Who was your best drinking buddy?
buddies in my case: Lean Mari M. Cauilan, ACheS EB (lahat sila! i won't name names. hahaha! mga laklakero!), Maria Sophia de la Paz, Kristine Haizell S. Anore (although not much itong si Haiz this year.)

Made new friends?
Yes yes yes! maraming maraming marami!

Any regrets?
A lot of regrets this year. Don't know where to start. (or where to end.)

What do you want to change in 2009?
My attitude and views toward life. I was very stubborn this year. I was highly pessimistic. I always felt that life was unfair towards me. Especially with all the misfortunes that I had this year. It was hard to have a positive view point about life. Maybe by changing this, things wouldn't seem so bad after all. According to my friend (who got it from some other person) "you carry your own weather".

Overall, how would you rate this year?
6. It's pretty obvious why.

Have any life changes in 2008?
too many to mention. the only constant thing in life is change.

Get a new job?
For 2009? am still thinking about it.

How old did you turn this year?
pretty old.

Did anything embarrassing?
nothing major. although i have a lot of embarrasing moments with my friends and family.

Get married or divorced?
I wish.

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
via you tube. no television in our dormitory.

Start a new hobby?
nope. But I lost a lot of hobbies. unless you consider Orgs and School as hobbies, then yes!

Are you happy to see 2008 go?
YES! bye.

Drank Starbucks in 2008?
yes! and the most memorable was when I drank with a. soph, we chatted for hours! (dahil hindi kami natuloy sa drews sa dami ng tao! hahaha.)

Been naughty or nice?
I choose or. haha.

What are you wishing for in 2009?
inner peace. (since world peace doesn't seem possible at the moment. haha)

to my horror.

2008-12-29T18:49:00.000+08:00

I thought vampire stories were scary. This was even scarier.

I remembered when me and my roommate were laughing about making a tagalog version of Twilight. The ideas were just waltzing in our heads. We were trying to figure out who the perfect Edward Cullen and Bella Swan would be. The names Richard Gutierrez, Angel Locsin, Denise Trillo, Katrina Halili, Piolo Pascual popped out of our conversation every once in a while. We were hysterical. We thought it was funny. But when I saw this, nope, not funny at all:

what the hell is wrong with you people!?!? How can you even think about...arrrgh!?!? (sorry, speechless due to utter disbelief!) The whole world is going to react to this. Although ABS-CBN was licensed and has legally bought the production of this film, I still can't believe they pushed through with this idea. Why do Filipinos love to have their own version of something. Can't we just be original every once in a while?

So much for me and my roommates laughing fantasies. It suddenly became frightening.

vague.

2008-11-10T14:51:00.000+08:00

first time kong mangatog dahil sa sobrang takot.

nanginginig ang aking buong katawan...

seryoso.

narealize ko...

ang hina ko na.

kasisimula pa lang ng sem, may doubts na ako sa sarili ko. kinakain ako ng mga negative thoughts ngayon.

kailangan kong maging matapang.

kailangan ko ng tulong.

kailangan.

no regrets.

2008-10-21T04:17:00.000+08:00

lumabas na ang mga grades.

and I'm satisfied. :)

i couldv'e done better pero no room for regrets.

marami akong natutunan sa nakaraang sem,

at marami akong ipinagpapasalamat.

bawi.

may 5 sem at dalawang summer pa ako para makabawi. (ang konti nalang pala...)

yun lang. hehe.

nang chumismis ako.

2008-09-30T10:02:00.000+08:00

nandito ako sa ateneo, nag-aaral, o akala ko lang na nag-aaral ako.

chumismis ako kanina (yes, nahawa na ako sa chismis powers ni hannah. hehe.) sa isang grupo ng mga tao sa may sec benches malapit sa ctc (sa mga hindi nakaka-alam, ang ctc at sec ay building sa ateneo)

lalaki: bakit naman ako mag-aaral?

babae: kasi nasa school ka. ano pa bang gagawin mo dito?...

napaisip ako. natawa at naiyak sa loob-loob ko.

oo nga naman. pero, yun lang ba talaga yun?...

ang tanong, ano ba dapat talaga ang pinag-aaralan mo sa ateneo? ano ba talaga ang dapat matutunan? or.. ano ba yung mahalagang matutunan?...

ano ba ang magiging mahalaga sa hinaharap?...

ang masasabi ko lang...

2008-09-29T18:58:00.000+08:00

ang daming gagawin...

yun lang.

*pffft*

tawa ka muna! para maiba naman.

2008-09-27T16:27:00.000+08:00

sa nakaraang dalawang linggo (o halos malaking parte siguro ng sem na ito), wala akong mashadong ginawa kundi sumimangot. (actually, marami akong ginawa, dami ng requirements, pero sa bawat pagkakataong gagawin ko ang mga bagay-bagay, parating may halong simangot...). hai. sino ba naman ang hindi sisimangot, sa dami ng mga nangyari sa akin nung nakaraang mga linggong iyon, sino ba naman ang hindi mapapasimangot:

-nasunog yung cafeteria sa veterans, at nandun ang aming goldilocks stall. lunes na lunes ng umaga noong nakaraang dalawang linggo, iyon ang bumulagta sa akin.

-nagpacheck-up ako sa isang physician/surgeon sa veterans. at dinaignose na may cancer daw ako sa breast. kinakailangan ko raw maoperahan (biopsy) at isesedate daw ako para malaman kung benign or malignant, kung benign tuberculosis of the breast daw ang abnormality, kapag malignant, patay na. tuesday last last week ko nalaman. at ang operation ko, saturday that week din. tapos, within the whole week nagkaroon ako ng mga lab tests para malaman kung pupuwede raw akong masedate. kumusta naman ang shock ko nung nalaman ko iyon. sabi nga nung isa kong nakausap ---- "ok ka lang? hindi ba dapat hindi, malaman mo ba namang may tumor ka eh.". ok, that was a very blunt way to put it. pero yun naman talaga eh. sabi ko na nga lang sa sarili ko nung mga panahong iyon-- "asus, cancer lang yan!". at nakikipaglokohan lang ako sa sarili ko nung mga panahong iyon.

-tuloy pa rin ang santambak na requirements. magfifinals week na kasi. may sakit ka na nga, depressed ka na nga, malay mo bang mamamatay ka na, siyempre kailangan mo pa ring isipin yung pag-aaral mo. hindi naman titigil ang mundo, hindi titigil ang mga teacher ko sa pagbibigay ng mga homeworks, seatworks at tests dahil lang malas ako at nagkakaganon ang buhay ko. naisip ko nga, ganito ka-sama ang mundo. sa katotohanan naman, wala namang time-out, kahit gusto mo. walang awa-awa. iikot lamang ng iikot ang mundo.

-inoperahan ako noong sabado. at inoperahan ako ng gising. pakiramdam ko noon, para akong hayop. kumbaga sa philo, "objectified" ako. trauma.iyon na lamang siguro ang masasabi ko.

-isang buong linggo akong wala sa dorm namin. ang ibig sabihin nito, isang linggo akong nag-uwian sa laguna. nakakapagod. araw-araw kang gabi umuuwi, galing sa biyahe. taposa pagdating mo sa bahay, hindi ka naman pupuwedeng matulog agad, dahil may requirements ka sa susunod na araw. at sa susunod na araw, gigising ka nang sobrang aga dahil kailangan mong makarating sa school para sa 7:30 am class mo. ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-uuwian ay dahil sa medication ko. after-operation recovering kumbaga. at bukod pa riyan, namiss ko ang mga dormmates. mashado kasi na akong na-attach sa mga taong ito. sobrang unfamiliar nung feeling ko na hindi ko sila kasama pag-uwi, at ang masasabi ko lang, ang laki ng nagagawa ng isang linggo. pakiramdam ko, ang layo ko.

-hindi ko makain ang mga gusto kong makain. maraming bawal. puro gulay. gulay. gulay. gulay...

-sa pangakabuuan, hindi ko mapigilang maawa sa sarili ko. sobrang na-overwhelm ako sa mga nangyari sa akin. biglang nagbago ang lifestyle ko. pakiramdam ko noon, nag-iisa akong hinaharap ang mga nangyayari sa akin. ang nasa isip ko noon, sa katotohanan naman, ako lang naman talaga ang talagang nakakaintindi at nakakaalam kung gaano kasakit at kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. pakiramdam ko tuloy, wala akong makausap noon. pakiramdam ko noon, nag-iisa ako.

....

pero ngayong napag-isip-isip ko, sinayang ko ang dalawang linggo ng buhay ko. pinagod ko lang ang sarili ko. oo, totoo ang lahat ng mga nabanggit ko, pero kung tutuusin, nasasaakin naman talaga kung magpapaapekto ako. once in a while, mapapaiyak ka nalang talaga kasi mahirap nga naman ang sitwasyon mo. pero, puwede ka namang umahon mula dun sa pinagswiswimmingan mong kalungkutan bago ka pa malunod. puwede ko namang tingnan ang mga nangyayari sa akin sa ibang perspective. mashado kong iniisip na hiwalay ako sa tao dahil hindi nga naman nila ako naiintindihan, well in fact, may mga tao naman talagang umiintindi. sabi nga ng kaibigan ko, 'parating may makakausap', sabi ko sa kanya, 'pero hindi parating may makikinig', isang palatandaan kung gaano ako ka-malungkutin at negatibong tao. ang mali ko siguro, hindi ako kumausap para malaman kung may makikinig...

napag-isip-isip ko lang, ang dami-dami-dami-dami kong dapat ipagpasalamat. at ang sama-sama-sama-sama kong tao para hindi mabigyang halaga ang mga bagay at mga taong iyon. dapat nagpapasalamat ako dahil benign ang cancer na nakita sa akin. dapat nagpapasalamat ako dahil nanalo ang ateneo sa uaap basketball. dapat magpasalamat ako dahil may pamilya akong nariyan na sumusuporta at nagaalaga sa akin. dapat magpasalamat ako dahil nariyan ang mga kaibigan kong walang sawang nagpapatawa sa akin at nagpapakita ng mga kababawan at kasiyahan ng buhay. dapat magpasalamat ako sa mga dorm mates ko at ang "the gang" na nariyan lang para yakapin ako kahit na wala naman akong sinasabing dahilan kung bakit ako nagpapayakap. dapat magpasalamat ako sa mga orgmates ko (sa gabay, sa aches, at sa yfc) na walang sawang bumabati sa akin kapag nagkikita kami sa mga hallways kahit na nakasimangot ako at hindi ako kasing masiyahin di tulad ng mga bati nila sa akin. dapat akong magpasalamat sa mga judo teammates ko dati na nagmamalasakit na kumustahin ako at yayain ako sa kanilang send-off dinner na hindi ko man lang napuntahan dahil sa operasyon ko. dapat akong magpasalamat sa mga teacher ko, dahil binibigyan nila akong ng pagkakataong matututo at naglalaaan sila ng oras para ibahagi ang mga kaalaman nila, at nagtiyatiyaga sila sa aking mga kalokohan at kapasawayan bilang isang etudyante. dapat akong magpasalamat sa Kanya dahil kung hindi dahil sa Kanya, wala ako sa mundong ito at hindi ko mapapasalamatan at mararanasan ang mga bagay na dapat kong ipagpasalamat.

SALAMAT PO.

ngayon ko nararamdaman na sobrang blessed akong tao.

kapag binabalikan ko at binasabasa kong muli ang mga blogposts ko, puro nalang lungkot, puro nalang sama ng loob. hindi masamang ipahayag ang sama ng loob, ang sakit na nararanasan mo sa buhay. sabi nga nila, iyong mga panahong iyon, higit na marami kang nasasabi at naisusulat sa blog mo. pero ang blog kasi, parang isang paraan para makita mo ang buhay mo. eh, hindi lang naman lungkot ang laman ng buhay ko. siguro, dapat simulan ko namang makita ang mga masasayang bagay na ito, at hayaan rin makita ng ibang tao.

malas.

2008-09-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

sobrang malas talaga.

mamamatay ka nalang ng 'di mo namamalayan.

.....

butas.

2008-09-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

i feel empty.

i'm committed, but empty.

i serve, i work my butt off 24/7 but the outcomes made me realize how hollow i am from the inside.

i'm busy, but is my time well-spent in the things that are TRULY IMPORTANT?

i'm losing grip in the things that matter. maybe its time to re-evaluate (AGAIN).

---

nang magsawa ako.

2008-08-13T07:19:00.000+08:00

cafeteria. maingay. sobrang ingay. kahit na hindi kami mag-usap, naririnig ko pa rin ang ingay. hindi man ako kumibo, maingay pa rin. kahit na wala nang iba pang tao sa loob ng cafeteriang ito ang magsasalita, maingay pa rin talaga. hindi maipagkakaila ang ingay ng kalooban ko tungo sa kanya. pero di bale, dahil maingay naman talaga sa caf, isigaw ko man sa kanya, ilabas ko man ang ingay na nandito lamang, hindi naman niya maririnig. o marahil dahil bingi siya. bingi talaga. o mistulang tengang kawaling ayaw makinig. ewan ko. marahil pareho. grabe, sukdulan naman. pero ganon eh. hindi na lamang ako magsasalita at patuloy akong mag-iingay.

--------------

wow, nagpost akong muli. nagbalik ako. matapos ang mahaba-habang pagkawala sa kaalaman ng mga tao, naririto akong muli. bakit ako nawala? siguro dahil nagsawa ako. nagsawa akong magsulat dahil wala namang bumabasa. nagsawa akong magsalita dahil wala namang nakikinig. nagsawa akong magparamdam dahil wala namang nakakaramdam. nagsawa akong mangatwiran dahil wala namang may pakialam. nagsawa ako. sawang-sawa na.

pero magtataka ka, narito pa rin ako? bumalik nga ako, hindi ba? siguro dahil kahit sawa ka na, kapag napag-isip-isipan mo, kapag matagal nang nawala sa iyo, babalikan mo rin 'di ba? kaya nga tayo mayroong sinasabing 'namimiss' mo. oo aaminin ko, namiss ko. namiss ko ito. namiss ko sila. namiss ko siya. marami akong namiss. siguro nagkaroon lamang ako ng dahilan para magsulat ulit. tanggap ko na ulit ang mga dahilang ikinasawa ko. magsasawa rin ako ulit. siguro. most likely talaga. pero ang mahalaga marahil ay ang ngayon. gusto kong magsulat eh, bakit ba? tsaka na ulit ako magsasawa.

o baka dahil umaasa ako. marahil baka naiisip ko na may pag-asa pang may magbabasa nito, may makaririnig, may makararamdam.

parang buhay lang yan eh, nakakasawa, oo.. pero buhay ka pa rin, narito ka pa rin. umaasa ka pa rin. kaya sige lang. go ka lang ng go. tuloy lang. laban ka lng ng laban.

minsan dumating ako sa point na nagsawa akong mabuhay. pero ngayon, tinatanong ko ang sarili ko, nabuhay nga ba ako? buhay nga ba ang kinasawaan ko? napakasaklap kasi ng mundo. mashadong maraming sama ng loob, mashadong maraming disappointments, mashadong maraming kalabuan. mashado ring maraming tanong. minsan tatanungin mo ang sarili mo kung bakit ka nabubuhay sa isang mundong kagaya nito. tatanungin mo kung bakit may mga taong malabo, may mga taong masama, may mga taong insensitive, may mga taong walang kuwenta, may mga taong mashadong mabait. pero kung iisipin kong talaga, ayon sa paningin ko, ganoon sila, ganito sila. pero sa katotohanan ba, sino nga ba talaga ang nagsasabi kung sino ang mabait, kung sino ang masama, kung sino ang ganito.. kung sino ang ganyan.

---------

bakit ba naman kasi kinakailangang mabuhay ka sa isang mundong binibigyang kahulugan ang lahat? hindi ba puwedeng gawin mo nalang ng gawin ang mga bagay bagay nang hindi iniisip kung bakit mo iyon ginagawa? hindi ba puwedeng wala nalang pagsisisi? sige, sabi nila, nasasayo lang naman kung bibigyan mo ng kahulugan o hindi, nasasayo lang rin daw kung magsisisi ka o hindi.. pero, sa palagay ko kasi, hindi lang siya ganon. hindi siya nasasayo lang. hindi siya choice. likas siya sa tao. o baka mali ako?.

---------

napakakomplikado ng mundong ito. ang hirap makipagsapalaran sa buhay lalo pa't alam mong wala talagang kahit anong sigurado. lahat nagbabago, lahat mapanlinlang, lahat mapanloko. sabi nila, maniwala lang daw ako, ok na, mabubuhay ako. pero mahirap maniwala. mahirap paniwalaan ang mga bagay na hindi naman talaga kapanipaniwala.

----------

so ano namang katapusan nitong sinusulat kong ito? sa palagay ko, hindi pa siya matatapos. magsusulat lang muna ako ng magsusulat. hanggang sa hindi natatapos ang mga katanungan ko, magsusulat lang ako. hanggang sa hindi ko matanggap ang katotohan ng mundo, magsusulat lang ako. magsusulat ako, hanggang sa magsawa na ulit ako.

sana.

2008-06-19T18:06:00.000+08:00

akalain mong iiyak ako dahil dun. hindi ko naman naisip na ganoon pala yun kasakit. akala mo, kapag umalis ka na, ganon nalang kadali yun, na parang makakalimutan mo nalang. pero hindi pala.

hai.

nakakamiss.

nakalulungkot.

kung puwede lang bumalik. kung puwede lang.

nang bumalik ang nakaraan ko.

2008-05-24T06:03:00.000+08:00

naaalala ko pa noon, nung mapanood ko ang lion king, naaalala ko yung sinabi ni timon at pumba kay simba nung naisipan niyang takbuhan ang katotohanan,- "you gotta put your past behind you."..naisip ko, tama lang siguro yun, pero paano kapag binabalik balikan ka ng nakaraan mo, yun bang "history repeats itself..."

napag-isip-isip lamang ako kagabi,sa aking pagiisa sa dorm, sa gitna ng kinasanayan kong katahimikan sa mga nakaraang araw kahit na hindi ako nag-iisa dun. matapos ang pagkain ng sandamakmak na fries at coke float mula sa mcdo na kinahiligan naming kainin ng mga dormmates ko noon, napagtanto ko na marahil ginugulo ako ng nakaraan ko dahil sa simula't simula pa lamang, hindi naman nawala ito.

paano mawawala ang nakaraan kung sa katotohanan, ikaw naman ang nakaraan at kasalukuyan? uuyy dumugo ilong mo noh? haha. hindi mo ba nagets? haha. wala, kinailangan lang siguro na ipamukha sa akin ng ibang tao, ng katahimikan, ng coke float, ng fries, ng pag-iisa, at ng isang txt message para marealize ko na ganon nga talaga yun.

siguro hindi mo maintindihan noh? kasi hindi mo naman alam kung ano ang tinutukoy kong nakaraan at kasalukuyan. ok lang yun. napagisip isip ko rin na walang sense magpaliwanag, lalo na kung ang nakakaintindi lamang sayo eh ang sarili mo. and besides, ako nga ang nakaraan at kasalukuyan, so paano mo maiintindihan, eh AKO nga yun. mahirap din kasi ipaliwanag nalang nang ipaliwanag ang sarili ko. nakakaubos laway din yun noh.

marami akong naisip kagabi, habang nanonood ng "boy-girl thing". ang storya nung palabas, dalawang tao ang parating away nang away. minuminuto, oras-oras, parati nalang silang magkaaway. yung isa sobrang walang pakialam sa sinasabi ng ibang tao sa kanya dahil ang mahalaga sa kanya ay ang sarili niyang mga prinsipyo at ang kanyang kaalaman, yung isa naman, stubborn at alaskador na lalakeng walang ginawa kundi inisin yung babaeng kaaway niya. nakakatawa yung palabas. nagkapalit ng katawan at siyempre buhay ang dalawang magkaaway na ito. kumbaga, nagkaroon sila ng perspective sa buhay ng bawat isa, na nagdulot ng pagkakaintindihan sa kahulihulihan. in fairness, nakatulong din yun noh, isang panandaliang ingay sa gitna ng katahimikan sa apat na sulok ng malaking kuwarto sa dorm namin.

at ang nakuha ko mula sa pelikulang ito: mahalaga ang perspective.

naisip ko,na sa maraming bagay sa buhay natin, kung bakit nagkakaroon ng katahimikan at kaayusan, kinakailangan bukas ang isip mo sa perspective ng bawat isa. kasi akala mo nauunawaan mo na pala ang mga bagay-bagay dahil sa perspective na nakikita mo, tapos gugulatin ka nalang ng katotohanan na mali pala ang pagkakaintindi mo. halimbawa sa pagtanggap, nakikita lamang siya depende kung ano yung perspective mo sa mga bagay-bagay. minsan, akala mo tinatanggap mo ang isang tao o bagay sa buhay mo, tapos magugulat ka nalang, hindi pala yun ang kaso sa paningin ng ibang tao. kala mo tinatanggap mo ang ibang tao ng buong buo, tapos hindi pala iyon ang iniisip ng tinatanggap mo. o isa pang halimbawa, sa pagkakaibigan, akala mo binigay mo na ang lahat, ang sarili mo nang buong buo, tapos magugulat ka nalang, kulang pa pala ang binibigay mo, dahil sa paningin ng ibang tao kulang pa pala. o sa pagintindi, akala mo naiintindihan mo, pero magugulat ka nalang din, hindi rin pala, iba rin ang pagkakaintindi ng iba.

buti nalang napanood ko yung pelikulang yun, kasi kung hindi, hindi ko siguro maiintindihan ang ibig sabihin nito.

naisip ko, hindi sapat na tignan ko ang sarili ko o tignan ko lamang ang ibang tao. kailangan, pareho ko silang tignan. kundi parati nalang magulo. akala ko dati, open minded ako, ngayon narealize ko, na sa tinagal tagal ng panahon, naging close minded din ako.

ngayon din, naisip ko, na kailangan ng konting dagok sa ulo, kahit masakit, para matanggap mo ang mali mo. mahirap humingi ng tawad, pero kung nararapat lamang, PATAWAD.

sa ngayon, gusto kong iwan ang nakaraan ko, at BAGUHIN ANG KASALUKUYAN.

---

sa iyo, sana alam mong hindi ako bumitaw. hindi ko kaya.

good thing?...

2008-05-14T17:59:00.000+08:00

still cant think of a decent blogpost.. argghh...

anyway.. some good things about my week.. well, i've fallen in love with my students... (NO NO, not in the perverted sense!!).. they always make the day right.... i didn't imagine my ANI experience to be this fulfilling. well i expected it to be fun, but not this much..whodve thought teaching CHEMISTRY to a bunch of third years would be this perfect(for the lack of a better term..)... thank you 3B for making my summer worthwhile.... (hindi niyo lamang alam kung gaano niyo ako napasasaya sa simpleng paggaya niyo sa CHE! ko... haha... seriously, salamat...)...CHE! ang dramah! :P

well.. can't think of anything else.. i guess the word "some" becomes "the only"... (realization: i'm such a pessimist.... tsk.......)...

hmm...

oh.. i almost forgot, i guess i'm thankful that i'm still alive.....

er... that's a good thing right?....

of vague statements and of whatevers.

2008-05-01T14:35:00.000+08:00

life certainly is unfair when it comes to certain things. when you thought you got all things figured out, life just strikes you by surprise. accidents happen, but some people just don't get that. well i don't.

---

i'm surely going to miss some people. thanks for the everything. and sorry. i really am. i guess it wasn't meant to be. it took me (or it took them) a year to figure that out. all that's left to do is to say something...... and stop myself from crying.

---

i remember the song cat and mouse by the red jumpsuit apparatus, hm, if i remember it correctly, some lines go like this:

'Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.'

well, if i were to look at the whole context of the song, it would be more inclined with love.. but then, with these two lines, it touched a very sensitive aspect of my life... ~ sacrifice... it's sad really. and.. unfair..

---

here i go again with all the vague statements.. it's been hard for me to right a decent blogpost for months now.. everything's been incoherent.maybe there's just too much on my mind. i'll get past this.. that's my goal before this summer ends. to make sense out of my life.(according to our EB meeting yesterday, we have to have a goal and a specific way for us to quantify whether we achieved this goal.) so for quantifying, i guess before this summer ends i need to have at least one coherent and decent enough post. hm maybe i need to focus. or maybe i need to let go of some things, or some poeple. maybe i need to re-evaluate myself.

....

bla bla bla bla bla...

---

i still think life's unfair.. really.

nanggagalaiti.

2008-04-16T18:05:00.000+08:00

minsan lamang ako magalit...

dahil proud akong maging XIENTIAN!

2008-04-02T20:42:00.000+08:00

For Scientians lang siya.

Part I. Formal.

1. Batch?

> 06

2. Ilan ang sections sa batch mo?

> pito

3. Anung curriculum sinusunod niyo?

> hm.. basta yung pinakamahirap. hehehe. :P

Part II. Personal.

1. Sino favorite principal mo? Explain.

> wala!!

2. Eh, subject & teacher? favorite.

> chem with ma'am osorio... i think i'm the only one... hm.. AP with ma'm capinpin, i never thought i could memorize the whole of asia in less than 30 minutes!

3. Alam mo ba lahat ng facilities sa Quesci? Ano pinakagusto mo?

> when you say facilities does that mean yung mga techy stuff?.. well i suppose non-existent sa school yun? but then, kung may bestfriend man akong facility sa school, yun ang photocopier..kung place naman ang pinag-uusapan, canteen! haha. :P

4. Madalas ka ba sa Soccerfield? Ano ginagawa mo dun?

>madalas akong naglalakad sa soccer field at naninipa ng bato..... nagstargazing na rin kami ng bball team dun, at nagbatuhan ng cellphone! haha. naglalaro ng touchball, nagpipicnic... nagdidive sa field at kung ano-ano pa...

5. Ano ang tawag mo sa mga benches malapit sa mathay ii building? para san yun?

>hindi ko alam!!! (grabe ako...)

6. Favorite food sa canteen?

>yung lumpiang togue na sobrang mura at puwede nang ulam!!!! saraaap! :P

7. Ano ang tamang spelling? Cheats? Chits? Cheets? Chitz?

> Chits?!

8. Sinusunod mo ba yung Biodegradable/Non Biodegradable trash bins?

> oo naman!! i love the environment! :P

9. Bumoboto ka ba sa SCB/SSG elections? Sino favorite President mo?

>oo.. si ate nicole.. nung freshie pa kami!

10. Tumatambay ka sa fire exit? Sino madalas kasama mo dun?

>hm.. fourth year ako madalas napatambay dun.. at madalas ko kasama ang tinuturing kong barkada nun --> mga mcdo at videoke buddies...

11. Ano ang mga Lab sa school? Nagamit mo ba lahat?

>Nat Sci (first year ko nagamit), Envi SCi (first year), Research (lab ba yun? third year, fourth year), Speech (fourth year english), Math (mathhhhh forever!), Bio (second year), Chem (third and fourth year), Physics (third and fourth year)

12. Scientian.Com! familiar? ano username mo?

>familiar, pero hindi ako nagsign in.. hindi ako mahilig sa forums eh...

13. eh #quesci? pumupunta ka ba dito?

>yess...!! super adik ako nito... _istar_ ang aking user! ahahah..

14. Friendly ka ba sa ibang batch?

>oo naman ata... hahah :P

15. Anung batch paborito mo? bawal batch mo!

> 03 at 04 !

16. Umaattend ka ba sa night events ng school? anu ano mga na-attenan mo?

>hrmm.. ang tanong, ano ang hindi ko naatendan? yooown!!.

17. Ilang beses ka nagstargazing? Ok ba?

>twice ata.. ok siya, although hindi ako pumupunta para matuto, its more of bonding kasi.

18. May mga club ka ba? Active member?

>MYM, AP club,english club, filipino club,lscience club, lady paladins basketball varsity.

19. Umattend ka ba ng fieldtrip? San kayo nagpunta?

>hm.. basta umatend ako sa lahat ng fieldtrip..

20. Dala mo ba family mo every Family Day?

>oo..

21. GC?

>hindi! ahahah.. (sinungaling ako!!!)

22. Crammer?

> OO!

23. Nagccut ka ba ng class??

>oo.. pero research lang talaga ang nakayanan ng sikmura kong i cut!

24. Alam mo ba ang ibig sbhn ng Model Boy/Girl at A1 Boy/Girl?

>oo.. ang natatandaan ko si kevin cena lng ata ang nabalitaan kong naawardan ng ganun...?!

25. Nagprom ka n.a ba? San kayo nagprom?

>gazebo royale and celebrity.. hindi naman makakalimutan yun!

26. Eh gradball?

>rembrandt.

27. Nakatulog ka na ba sa class?

>maraming beses na!

28. Eating in class?

>haha.. masarap kumain eh!

29. Nagttext habang nagddiscuss yung teacher?

>oo.. kitikitext ako nun.

30. Memorize mo ang school hymn?

>of course!

31. Ano yung tawag sa lower part ng flag pole?

> atomium?

32. Sino ang favorite cook mo?

>si kuyang matangkad!

33. Favorite guard?

> erk..

34. Favorite janitor/janitress?

>hmm...

35. Ok ba sayo na scientists pangalan ng sections?

>ok lang...

36. Ano masasabi mo sa school fair?

>haha.. food trip siya.

37. Favorite event/booth sa school fair?

>cheerdance!

38. Full support ka ba sa school plays? ano favorite mo?

>hmm.. hindi pa ako nahilig sa plays until nag college ako eh.

39. Sino crush mo sa school?

>wala... (asa!)

40. May friends ka ba sa alumni?

>yessss..

41. Nakapaglead ka na ba sa flagcem? Anong pinagawa sayo?

>oo... lahat ata nagawa ko na.

LAST:

Pagaaralin mo ba anak mo sa Quesci?

>oo.. wala na si CAVS eh! hahaha.. :P

stuck.

2008-04-02T20:21:00.000+08:00

have you ever been stuck in a certain point in your life where you can't seem to move on and you just linger on the "what if's" and "could've's"?...

i'm stuck in this pool of regrets where i just can't pull myself together and swim myself out of it.

i'm drowning.

this might just kill me.

too many chances missed, too many opportunities taken for granted.

i should've not gave in to fear.

look where it got me?

i'm in the wrong place.

NAIINIS TALAGA AKO. GRABE. (tamaan ka sana.)

2008-03-29T13:00:00.000+08:00

grabe ka. grabe ka talaga. nagbago ka na. hai. grabe.........................

nakakainis. naiinis talaga ako. hindi na talaga kita kilala.

realization: i don't want to get involved with someone like you.

salamat, lumabas din ang tunay na kulay mo.

you're insensitive, pretentious, vain (in the selfish sense), and absurdly immature.

good thing pinaglalayo na tayo ng panahon.

dahil vain ka naman, sana tignan mong mabuti ang sarili mo sa salamin.

damn how you've changed. but sadly, for the worse.

para kang possessed. hindi kita maintindihan. hindi ko maintindihan ang mga nangyayari sayo.

sana wala nalang akong pakialam. dahil wala naman akong magagawa.

sana matauhan ka.

pagdadasal nalang kita.

grabe talaga.

GRABE!

basura lang pala eh.

2008-03-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

i think i just lost two friends...

ay mali..

hindi ko pala sila naging friend...

akala ko lang pala...

hm, baka wala talagang nawala...

pero hindi eh, hindi yun totoo sa kaso ko...

may nawala. may kulang na.

pero bakit ganon? kapag tintignan ko sila mula sa malayo, ang nakikita ko, wala namang nawala sa kanila.

ah baka sa kanila nag-aapply yung hindi friend part...

oh well, ganon naman ata talaga eh, parang basura.

salamat ha.

'di bale, may pupulut din sa akin.

i'm still here.

2008-03-23T18:04:00.000+08:00

to those who've been wondering if i'm still alive, well the most obvious answer would be this blog post.

too much has been happening, and I AM JUST TOO DAMN TIRED to share it.

*AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can't wait for this sem to end.

just four more days.

BAGO!!!

2008-03-18T19:03:00.000+08:00

guys, sa mga hindi pa nakakaalam...

nagpalit na ako ng cel no., email add, at ym id..

cel.no: 09273454031 (siyempre ang pangit dahil inaannounce ko.. haha.. pero paki delete na ang lumang 09062693017)

email add: cha_623@yahoo.com (dahil nahiya na ako sa kontrobersyal email add ko na madalas namamali ng spelling!)

ym id: cha_623 (pa-add!!! :))

ayan.. salamat! :)

i can't think of a title for this one.

2008-02-24T20:44:00.004+08:00

just got a lot of things in my head right now.

---

yey! history play is final done! wooohooo! sir gave his warm applause and approval which hopefully meant an A for our class. congratulations girls, those practices finally paid off! we deserve it! :P

and the end of the history play means i can train again!! wooohhooo!! i really missed judo and my teammates. can't wait to slam those mats and throw people around!

---

said sorry to a friend this morning, but i guess he doesnt care. i don't understand how someone could be so impartial and cold.

said i cared for a friend last night, but i guess it wasn't enough. i'm sorry, i guess i'm not worth your thoughts.

---

just recovered from a highly contagious flu and i've been absent for three days. i missed two long tests and wasn't able to pass two laboratory reports. and to make matters worse,i lost my wallet yesterday. tsk. talk about an unlucky week.

---

mayroon ding umaalis, mayroong naiiwan...
pagtataya... how do you keep the fire burning?

---

just realized that i've been far away from God. felt like we've drifted apart. sad.

---

how random.

no direction.

2008-02-09T11:17:00.000+08:00

i've made a lot of choices, and a lot of sacrifices because i want to put direction to my life, at least know what i want to do and what i want to become...

but sadly...

i don't know where i'm going...

point sa buhay ko.

2008-02-02T10:59:00.000+08:00

minsan talaga, mayroong point sa buhay mo na kinakailangan mong pumili at magdesisyon tungkol sa mga importanteng bagay.

sa akin siguro, maaari kong sabihing "crucial" ang mga pagkakataong ito sa buhay ko.

eto yung mga panahong inaasahan ko ang mga taong mahahalaga sa akin para tulungan akong makapagdesisyon. yun bang tipong makatutulong silang makapag-isip ako. pero siyempre hindi sila "biased" dun sa tingin nilang dapat kong gawin.

hai. eto siguro yung isa sa mga "point" na iyon sa buhay ko.

masaya ako, dahil nalaman kong may mga tao palang naniniwala sa mga kakayahan ko. pero nakalulungkot din namang isipin na mayroon rin palang hindi naniniwala. mayroon din palang "nagdodoubt".

alam ko, ako lamang ang nakakikilala ng lubos sa sarili ko, at alam ko na ako lamang ang tunay na makapagsasabing kaya ko. sa katotohanan, alam ko talaga. subalit, kapag nalaman mong may hindi naniniwala sa iyo, na may mapapabayaan ka kapag pinili mo ang isa sa isa, parang nakakapanghina ng loob.

nalaman ko rin pala sa "point" na ito sa buhay ko, na minsan kailangan mong pumili sa pagitan ng kung ano yung gusto mo, at kung ano yung tama at higit na nakabubuting gawin. kahit na alam mong gusto mo at mapaninindigan mo ang desisyon mo, kapag naisip mo na taliwas ito sa ikabubuti at walang kasiguraduhan sa hinaharap (riskful, kumbaga),kailangan mong isakiripisyo yung gusto mo. masakit. masakit sobra. masakit talaga (naramdaman mo bang masakit?..). kahit na ba ilang beses mo ng naririnig sa sarili mo na "kaya mo naman! kaya mo!", kapag dumating sa punto na walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat, hindi sapat ang sabihing "kaya mo".

at nalaman ko rin sa "point" na ito ng buhay ko, na kapag nakapagdesisyon ka na, hindi mo na maaari pang bawiin. lalo na kapag kailangan mong "ipasa" yung desisyon mo. lalo na kapag may deadline yung desisyon mo. hindi mo na maaaring bawiin. kung yun na, yun na talaga. hindi na maaaring magbago. sorry ka nalang kung bigla mong naisip na mali pala yung naging desisyon mo. sorry ka nalang kung may biglang magtetext sa iyo na "ah, shit. kaya mo eh.". sorry ka nalang kasi hindi mo na maaaring bawiin yung desisyon mo. hindi na maaari pang baguhin. iiyak ka na lang kasi "narealize" mo na mali pala yung pinili mo. iiyak ka nalang. sa kaso ko, iiyak ng lang ako ng matagal na matagal na panahon.

mali ang naging desisyon ko. sa palagay ko mali. mali talaga. nagpadala kasi ako eh. sana napanindigan ko. sana hindi ako napanghinaan ng loob. sana naniwala ako sa kaya kong gawin. sana naisip ko na baka makabubuti rin iyon kahit "riskful". sana naisip ko rin yung ibang taong naniniwala sa akin. sana naisip ko rin yung sarili ko kahit ngayon lang. sana pinili ko yung gusto ko.

hai. puro nalang naman "sana".

hanggang "sana" nalang.

di bale.

iiyak nalang ako.

someone to listen.

2008-01-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

i really need someone to talk to. someone who can help me choose between what i want to do, and what i need to do. to choose between who knows, and who can learn. hai. bakit kasi wala ka dito ngayon (actually nandyan ka naman eh, pero parang wala rin, kasi hindi mo ako marinig. bingi ka kasi! bingi!) . eh di sana things would be a lot easier. :(

ang hirap mamili.

:(

some shout outs.

2008-01-23T23:51:00.000+08:00

mom, happy birthday! I love you!

congratulations to all those who got promoted! wear your belts with pride, you all deserve it!! :)

congratulations to the newly elected Gabay Executive Board SY 2008-2009! make us proud! :)

--

erm. i hate physics. curse you T-Maq. wala lang.

lalalalala.

2007-12-31T19:15:00.000+08:00

i can't really figure out what i'm suppose to feel now that the year's almost over. it's hard to say whether it's been a better year for me.

525,600 minutes. come to think of it, once more, i was able to come past those number of minutes. wow, that's quite a number.

well, i've been through a lot this year. "been through" doesn't necessarily have to mean the "senti moments/hard times/challenging moments", hm.. it's more of a general thing...

but on more specific terms~

biggest surprise? hrm, i'd be wearing a gi sponsored by the ateneo. i had my doubts. but things came through. very surprising, and fulfilling at the same time. =)

major blow this year? (good or bad): er, the debut i guess. on the up side, i turned 18! i've reached the legal age, there's freedom, boys (ehem ehem!), drinking (er, kahit naman hindi ako 18 eh! hehe.), R-rated films (ehem ehem!), i could go on and on. down side? somehow, it wasn't the debut i pictured it to be. lots of disappointments. but i won't dwell on that. but the more down side is... i'm getting older!! who wants that?!

major loss? my tita passed away just weeks (or a week) before my birthday. up until now still can't believe that i'll never see her again. oh i just remembered, i'll be going to a reunion on january first and i won't see her there. sigh.

major realization(s)? the only constant thing in this life is change... and there is that indescribable joy coming from that four-letter word that starts with an L. ~&heart 8)

i've had my ups and downs this 2007. so, was it a better year for me or not?

hm~

i suppose it's a matter of perspective, that is, depending on what "aspects" you look at.

expectations and new year's resolutions for 2008? hrm, none of those this year. i suppose it'd be better (and fun-ner) with the unexpected-ness of it all.

five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes! lalalalala....

HAPPY 2008 EVERYONE!!!

isang munting mensahe.

2007-12-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

ilang oras na lamang magpapasko na, kung kaya naman, ilang mumunting mensahe sa mga PINAKA-IMPORTANTENG tao sa buhay ko ngayon.

sa pamilya ko:
mahal na mahal ko po kayo. masaya ako na kapiling ko na kayong muli matapos ang matagal na panahong pagkawalay. hindi ako nakakauwi dahil sa dami ng ginagawa at ngayon, kahit dalawang linggo lamang ang inilaan sa akin, susulitin ko ang bawat segundo na kasama ko kayo. =)

sa block m/m1:
masaya ako sa naging pagbabago ng relasyon ko sa bawat isa sa inyo. masasabi kong higit akong naging malapit sa mga tao. nagpapasalamat ako sa isang masayang unang bahagi ng ikalawang semestre. sana higit pa tayong magsama sama. nais ko pang makilala ang bawat isa sa inyo =)

sa AJA family ko:
una muna, nais kong humingi ng tawad sa aking madalang na pagpapakita sa inyo. nataon na ang lunes na araw ng pageensayo ay natapat sa "lab" kung kaya naman isa o dalawang araw lamang sa isang linggo ko kayo nakakapiling. at kung araw naman ng sabado, kadalasang may "immersion" para sa "thelogy". at noong "christmas party sa covered courts", hindi na ako nakadaan dahil sa hindi inaasahang "buhol-buhol na traffic at sa long exam sa theology". ang pagkakataon talaga. sadyang mapaglaro. kung kaya naman patawad. "MISS" ko na kayong lahat. sana sa pagdating ng "2008", makabawi ako sa pagkukulang kong oras sa inyo. salamat, dahil kahit hindi ako gaanong nakikita, hindi naman dumating sa puntong "nawala" ako. maraming maraming salamat para roon. mahal ko kayo. =)

sa mga highschool batchmates ko:
"MISS" ko na kayong lahat. maraming taon na ang lumipas, at ikinalulungkot ko na isiping nagkakalayo na tayo ng mundo. marahil ay may kanya kanya na tayong buhay. sadyang mahirap tanggapin ang mga pangyayari ngunit sana magkaroon tayo ng panahon upang muling magtipon-tipon at magsama-sama. sana hindi pa natin nakalilimutan ang mga dating kasiyahang dulot ng ating pagkakaibigan. mahal ko kayo, at sana hindi pa nawawala ang "tayo" sa buhay ng bawat isa sa atin. =)

sa pamilyang GABAY:
masaya ako dahil nabigyan ninyo ako ng pagkakataon na muli kayong makapiling bilang isang organisasyon, at higit pa, bilang isang pamilya. maraming salamat. dahil sa inyo, mas naintindihan ko ang tunay na kahulugan ng pagtataya. mahal ko ang bawat isa sa inyo, at sana'y magpatuloy pa ang magandang pagsasamahan natin bilang mga Gabayano. =)

sa pamilyang ACheS:
nakatutuwang isipin na nakita ko ang isa sa mga dahilan upang mahalin ko ang kursong tinatahak ko ngayon. Ang ACheS ang nagturo sa aking makita na "there's more to Chemistry that meets the eye". maraming salamat sa pagbibigay sa akin ng pagkakataon na makilala ang bawat isa sa inyo. maraming taon pa ang pagsasamahan natin. mahal ko kayo at maraming maraming salamat. =)

MALIGAYANG PASKO INYONG LAHAT!

iba iba na tayo.

2007-12-23T14:37:00.000+08:00

mahirap tanggapin na may kanya kanya na tayong mundo.

---

2007-12-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

tao lamang ako.

---

at manhid ka.

---

ganoon ba kahirap ang humingi ng tawad?

---

hai. pride.

---

tigang mula sa kasawaing palad.

2007-12-05T21:30:00.000+08:00

nakaiinis ang araw na ito.

naguumapaw ang sama ng loob dahil sa mga hindi inaasahang pangyayari.

hindi ko mahinuha kung ano ang mga naging pagkukulang ko.

wala naman akong iba pang maaaring sisihin sa mga nangyari ngayon.

ako lamang talaga.

ako.

hai.

ang hirap talagang tanggapin.

bawi.

babawi na lamang ako.

marami pang pagkakataon.

marami pang panahon.

...

sana.

random kung random.

2007-12-04T23:25:00.000+08:00

hm, some "random" rants.

--
nagpapanggap ako.

nagpapakabulag kahit nakakakita.

nagpapakabingi kahit nakaririnig.

nagpapakasaya kahit malungkot.

nagpapakamanhid kahit nasasaktan.

--

malapit na ang pasko! well. sabik na sabik lang talaga ako. nagsimula na kasi ang caroling season, so puro practice na kami. eventhough it takes up a whole lot of my time, the stress and fatigue that may be felt every after practice night would always be overwhelmed by the personal joy of "service for and with others". wala lang. atenista by heart. (naks, pero proud to be talaga ako.) maybe i might consider a job as a social worker (ayan magsama tayo madam sa future occupation natin!). hehe.

mahilig lang din siguro akong umawit. masaya kasi ang feeling na nakukuha ang mga nota ng tama. masaya rin ang feeling na kasama ko ang mga kapwa gabayano (a.k.a. mga kaibigan ko). bonding moment din kasi iyon, at isang pagkakataon para makasama at makilala ang mga tao.

--

namiss ko ang judo at ang mga teammates and coaches ko. sobrang na"hook" kasi ako sa sport, at masaya ako sa piling ng aking mga teammates at coaches ko. makatotohanan (yes this is for you mich! hehe. i know you're laughing!)na marami talaga akong natutunan mula sa kanila (kahit hindi siguro obvious dahil tahimik "daw" ako. hehe. at hindi lang siguro ako ganon ka expressive sa ilang mga bagay), pero i owe a lot to these people. at marami pang panahon para matuto. wala lang. salamat.

--

nagsisimula na ang mga stressors sa buhay ko: well, may acads, maraming ginagawa sa extra-co, tapos mga problema sa social life at LOVE life, mga ilang problema sa pamilya, at siyempre ang personal na kabaliwan ko na rin. hai. ang hirap i handle. namiss ko na tuloy si bestfriend ko, yung transcendental holy mystery ng buhay ko (may hang-over pa ako sa theo. hehe. galing kasi ni jimenez eh.ang daming insights actually. pero na-feel ko na may grudge siya sa sciences at sa mga atheists. hehe.). naku, sana makapag usap na kami ulit ni Bestfriend. kahit na hindi ko Siya naririnig na sumasagot, mahalag na alam kong pinakikinggan Niya ako. sumasagot nga Siya pero hindi nga lang verbal ang kanyang medium. hai. miss ko na talaga Siya.

--

marami akong namimiss na tao. ewan ko ba. nadarama ko na ang layo na ng ilang taong pinahahalagahan ko. kala ko nandyan pa sila, kaso paglingon ko, wala na pala sila. hai. ang hirap din pala na naging mashadong attached noh? hindi naman sa nagreregret ako. nabigla lang ako. well, siguro nga meron kaunti, pero acceptance is the key.

--

mahirap pala magsakripisyo ng mga "bagay" na pinahahalagahan mo ng sobra-sobra. narealize ko siya ngayon.

--

inaantok na ako. kailangan kong matulog. ang aking eyebags! eye"MALETA" na! (hahaha, tawa ka naman sa joke ko! hehe.)

--

nagpapasalamat ako sa iyo. wala lang. natuwa ako. close na talaga tayo. :)

--

i feel that i've violated your trust. wala lng. ang sama ko. hai. sorry. pinilit kong itago. kaso, ang hirap pala. mashado siyang "a priori" (nyai, theo term na naman!!!).

--

hai. mahal ata kita. alam mo ba yun?

--

...

one question. no answer.

2007-11-28T21:43:00.000+08:00

i have one question in mind for the past 3 weeks...

"ARE WE BUSY DOING THE RIGHT THINGS?"

wala lng. just got me thinking.

HAPPYness is a choice

2007-10-22T16:11:00.000+08:00

I got tagged by kathy :)

The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs (or blogger and multiply in this case). Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

1. my AJA family.

when i saw that i had to post 10 things that recently made me happy, this was the first one that came to my mind. i love this team, even more, this FAMILY. i've learned a lot of things with these people, and i'm glad that i've met each and every one of them. i have THE BEST COACHES, THE BEST TEAMMATES, THE BEST FAMILY. i'm hoping to know more about them, each one on a more personal note. i'm really glad i stayed. i chose this. and i'm HAPPY i did. it might not be obvious (because of my occasional silence), but i love them.. :)

2. sembreak

vacation can make anyone happy. especially the thought of one not doing anything, just bumming around. after what i've been through during the first semester, i'm glad it was over. it's time for a fresh start. and the sembreak's just the right time to do it. :)

3. HS friends

i admit, i missed these people a lot. maybe a number of things did change (ok, 'a number' may mean more than that). but still, i'm happy that we can still have a common ground. it was fun to hear 'us' laugh together again. HS was the less complicated times. and hanging out with these people was a temporary escape to the less complicated world. they made it seem simple. and im happy for that. :)

4. books

it's nice to read a good book. i haven't been able to do this for quite a long time now, well to read pocket books that is. of course i've read books during the course of the first semester but those were physics and chemistry books which were not that enjoyable. it's more relaxing to read books that don't require much of my analytical and computational skills. :)

5. UAAP and POF

i was meaning to post a separate blog entry about my UAAP and POF experience. but since this situation calls for it, i suppose i'll just say it here. i really had fun. competing wasn't the nerve-racking experience that i expected it to be. when i stepped on the mats, all the anxiety i had just vanished. it was just like randori in the dojo, but with a larger playing area, a ref, a crowd cheering at one side of the stadium, and not to mention opponents you don't know. during the UAAP, it was the first time i got to play with a person the same weightclass as mine, and it was more difficult since i wasn't used to playing with people my size. it was also then that i realized how matches in judo could end in just a few seconds. things happen really fast, and before you know it, you here the ref saying "IPPON!" without you even knowing.

it was something new, and i really learned a lot from it. :)

6. dormmates and blockmates

i might seem to give the impression to my blockies and roomies that i don't care much about them (again with the silence issue). truth is, i'm happy i'm with these people. they're the best. nuff said. :)

7. home

i missed my home a lot. as cliche as this may sound, there really is no place like home. :)

8. cake

hmm, i love cake! brings back a lot of memories. sinful, but delicious! :))

9. television

it's good to be more up to date with the things going on. i'm abusing my time with the boobtube. i'd be missing it come second sem, which is not faraway from now. :)

10. Napoleon, cheese sticks, and quail eggs. (not to mention the profuse amounts of chicken!!).

best party ever! i loved those illustration board-covered cheese sticks. :)

well im surprised i got to list down 10. :) hahaha. well, time to be happy! your turn zandra, patty, gerald, hannah, ren, katya, pia, margo, mimi, mich! i tag you! :)

naming 21 people.

2007-10-19T13:40:00.000+08:00

got this from jihad's multiply! panakaw ah! hehehe. i had fun answering this. and ang masasabi ko lang, ang galing tsumempo ng tanong. hehehe. :P ~

Can you name 21 people you can think of right off the top of your head? Dont read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 21 people. Don't change the names you've written once you start answering the questions.

Ready, Start!

1. haizell
2. hazel
3. gerald
4. ace
5. hannah
6. benny
7. lean
8. kaira
9. margo
10. mela
11. albert
12. maylea
13. henson
14. leo
15. cleo
16. domeng
17. adam
18. gerry
19. cj
20. aj
21. charm

THE QUESTIONS

1. How did you meet 14?
- college. almost pareho yung course namin sa ateneo. well, by fate really. haha :)

2. What would you do if you never met 6?
- errr. next question!!!!!!! hahaha.

3. What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
- that would be really weird coz aj is my brother and margo is my blockmate. haha. really weird. noooo. :))

4. Did you ever like 5?
- haha. yeah as a friend! roomie ko yun eh!! labshoo banhannahna!

5. Would 4 and 12 make a good couple?
- errr.. para silang 10. hehehe. err, masubukan nga. hehehe (peace guys! :D)

6. Describe 8:
- kaira is old. hahaha. joke lang. she's a true friend. luv yah kaira :D

7. Do you think 13 is attractive?
- siyempre si henson pa! he's drop dead gourgeous! lalo na kapag nagsosolve ng math! hehehe! luv yah henson! :D

8. Tell me something about 17.
- hm payat parin siya. sobrang makaDiyos. at i really really miss him!

9. Do you know any of 4's family members?
- err.. haha, oo, yung very distant cousin niyang si hannah! hehehehe. (yes blockmates, pinsan ni ace si hannah. sobrang layo nga lang.hehe)

10. What's 21's favorite color?
- errr, yellow? hm sorry sis. ang alam ko lang ayaw niya sa pink. hehe.

11. What would you do if 18 just confessed s/he liked you?
- si gerry? hahaha. i'd ask if he's serious, and tell him i like him too! heehee. :D

12. What language does 20 speak?
- english and tagalog. laking quezon city kasi siya eh. hehe, :)

13. Who is 9 going out with?
- err, meron ba? heheh :D

14. What grade is 16 in?
- second year college :D

15. When's the last time you talked to 13?
- hm i talked to him sa YM just a few hours ago. hm, but i last saw him and talked to him in the flesh nung October 12, 2007.

16. What is 2's favorite band?
- hm hindi ko alam eh. meron ba?... err, sori tol :D

17. Would you ever date 7?
- siyempre naman! hahaha. si lean pa! eh mahal ko yan eh! di ba sir?! lagot nga lang ako kay madam. hehehe. :P

18. Would you ever date 12?
- ofcourse! si maylea naman yun eh! but dont get the wrong idea! hehe. :D

19. Is 15 single?
- errr, cleo?.. hehe. i think it's complicated. ;P

20. What is 19's last name?
- lintag :D

21. Would you ever want to be in a serious relationship with 11?
- err, why not? di ba albert? :)

22. What school does 3 go to?
- ATENEO!!

23. Where does 15 live?
- hm, malapit lang sa SM north. i dont know how to describe the location eh. hehe.

24. What's your favorite thing about 10?
- hm, palagi siyang nakangiti! :) luv you mela! miss you a lot! :D

a list.

2007-10-19T12:49:00.000+08:00

its semBREAK. instead of bumming out, i finally got around with a list of things to do before classes begin.

* [x] means ive accomplished something already. :) , [ ] means im almost there! haha.

[x] 1. mag-ayos ng gamit sa dorm.

[ ] 2. magpapayat. (hm, i don't know if its possible during the break. BUT its worth a shot! haha. i'm going to make history! haha.)

[ ] 3. wardrobe and hairdo change. (due to the unexpected approval of the dress code, i'm thinking about getting a new look, a new hairdo, and a new set of clothes to mix and match. errr, wish me luck?)

[ ] 4. driving school.

[ ] 5. magbasa ng HP book 7. (yes i know. im such a loser. haha.)

[x] 6. makatapos ng series. One Tree Hill would be nice.

[ ] 7. magswimming. (i wasn't able to do this during summer so i thought i give it a shot now. ang init kasi! tsk tsk. curse you global warming!!)

[ ] 8. save money. (there a lot of things i really want to spend some money on. i'll show you my list. but that's a different post altogether.)

[x]? 9. mag-"move on. (errrr...)

[x] 10. update my blogger.

[ ] 11. download songs. (im so behind the music industry. wala kasing tv sa dorm. may radyo naman, kaso puro old mellow songs ang pinakikinggan. i need to update my playlist!)

[ ] 12. have my laptop fixed. (curse the virus in ateneo. hm, anybody know a good anti-virus software?)

[x] 13. sleep! (i really need this before the next semester starts. kailangan ng pambawi eh. para lumiit naman muna yung eyebags ko before lumaki ulit.)

[ ] 14. PS2! (i missed my ffX/X2 and ff12.)

[x] 15. revive my text life. (i need to abuse my time. haha. i need to "connect" with lost friends. haha.)

[ ] 16. basketball. (what can i say, i missed it. :D)

[ ] 17. EK bonding with HS barkada (sana matuloy? tsk.)

[x] 18. karaoke time with my other barkada. (that was really fun! i really missed you guys. thanks. pics would be uploaded real soon! :D)

[x] 19. reunite myself with math, chemistry, and physics. (nerd! but i really need this.)

[x] 20. do something special for some special people.

[ ] 21. read a whole stack of books. (mostly were gifts from my debut. why do people love giving books during 18th birthdays? i really dont get that. im done with 2 books. a whole lot more to go.)

[ ] 22. judo. (i really need to improve my game.)

[ ] 23. mend broken relationships. (i'm getting there)

[x] 24. read the newspaper. (im way behind the current issues.)

[x] 25. boobtube! (i don't even know the new commercials. that's why kapag nagjojoke ang mga tao about a commercial or anything related to that, i usually end up raising an eyebrow. tsk.)

[x] 26. prayer time. (i used to have one, 15 minutes a day. but after the first semester, i got drifted apart from my relationship with HIM. i really miss HIM.)

[ ] 27. finish this list. :)

hm, 27 is quite a number. hm 12 out of 27. not bad.

well, semBREAK's still a long while. so there's still hope for me.

a lot.

2007-10-13T18:43:00.000+08:00

i'm looking forward to a productive semestral break.

there are a lot of activities i've been planning to do.

there are a lot of things i've been meaning to change.

there are a lot of experiences that i've been hoping to forget.

there are a lot of regrets that i've been struggling to accept.

with only four sentences of things set out, it seems like an easy task.

but it only seems so.

-------

i miss you (may refer to not only one person.).

considering that it's only been two days.

i cant, cause i can.

2007-09-24T22:43:00.000+08:00

only two weeks left. two weeks of hell. i can feel the pressure piling up, with all the online journals that ive been reading, which coincidentally, all have a common theme. everybody's struggling. most of my friends are complaining about their hell weeks (or maybe just trying to get by them, coz complaining cant really do anything), and most of my teammates are anxious about the UAAP. i cant say i dont feel the same way.

im dead nervous about the upcoming UAAP. just a few days left, with only 4 training days. everything's going to be even harder. ive come this far. there's no turning back.

requirements are beginning to pile up. i have two weeks to change the path of a whole semester, to make it turn in another direction, a more successful one that is.

emotions are, and will be, pouring. but i need to focus. i cant let the sadness creep into me. i cant let fear overcome myself.

sigh.

enough about depression. enough about darkness. enought about drama.

time to move on. time to accept reality.

i cant falter. not now.

i need answers.

2007-09-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

hai.

how do you handle depression?

how do you stop being a pessimist?

how do you overcome loneliness?

how do you fight your fears?

how do you enjoy life?

how do you not lose friends?

how do you discover yourself?

how do you forget the past?

how do you stay in the present?

how do you ready yourself for the future?

how do you stay faithful?

how do you stay alive?

--------

ang daming tanong.

anong sagot?

i miss...

2007-09-16T09:25:00.000+08:00

i miss basketball.

i miss my friends.

i miss myself.

i miss you.

mirrored.

2007-09-09T11:07:00.000+08:00

another set of rants after a loooong break from the fifth estate.

---------
we all have our own sets of priorities. we all have our own worries and concerns in life. its funny how people would stress themselves out on some things that seem not so important to me, but astonishingly, are matters of life and death to them. looking at how the human mind works, im amazed at how complicatedly diverse one individual's mind is compared to other equally intelligent minds (how can one say that one mind is equally intelligent with another?.. haha. anlabo.). im not humoring other people's grievances, its more of a realization for my part.

my closest friend has been ranting all out about global warming, and im ashamed to say that i have been really insensitive to give her seethes the slightest of interest. ive always busied myself with the things that i deemed to be in favor of my own interests. but ive realized that i have been so selfish. not only did i neglect the society's need for clean and breathable air, not to mention the polar bears, i have also been insensitive to my friend. i confess, at first i felt that maybe it was a little bit dense, but then after much pondering, i finally came into my senses. my friend confiding me her thoughts, whether it be about the strangest and most non-sensible thing on the planet, it still proved a lot on how she trusted me even with her wackiest and most unbelievable thoughts. its not that im reading too much between the lines of her true intentions, but bottom line is, im supposed to support her. hey girl, if ever you're reading this, im sorry. i listen, i always do. especially now. i know its been hard. the earth will make it. (for your global warming issues), but more importantly, YOU 'll make it (for all other reasons too. :D)hey, im here. ayt?).

---------

Wired signals could be just a drag. sometimes you get the wrong messages, or sometimes, you just dont get the message at all. i hate wired signals, whether it be coming from telecommunication networks, or people's own line of networking and interaction (especially coming from the opposite sex.).

---------

psychologists say that dreams are caused by your subconscious, meaning thoughts, people, things, events that have or you percieve will have an impact to you. it could range from something you fear and hate most, or something you crave and want most.

thing is, i dreamt of YOU last night. i dreamt of us being so close to each other, that it felt too real, i didnt want to open my eyes. but i woke up. i found my mind drifting off that night, wondering what it all meant. there would always be a thin (or may be thick ?) line between a dream and the reality. i just hope i realize where im at soon. or maybe ive realized it, but im too afraid to admit it. (ok so now im confused.tsk.)

--------

those dots mean more than you think.

2007-08-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

tsk. im so insecure right now.
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and alone.
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i just hope THEY noticed.

i'll give you the numbers.

2007-08-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

stats for the 6 day "mini-sembreak/vacation":

rating out of 10, 1- lowest, 10- highest:

productivity level: 3
i can say that im not completely unproductive for the past 6 days. well ive managed to plan several things for the upcoming hell weeks. i got to spend time with my family. and i successfully opened my physics and chem book. and not to mention my accomplishment of actually finishing one series (sabrina the teenage witch, what can i say, i missed the old days, i needed to watch something that would lighten my view about teenage life. although i wish i also had my finger to make life a little bit easier for me. haha.).

gluttony level: 9
i cant give myself a 10 for this one! haha. eventhough ive been eating A LOT, i still have the conscience to run up and down the stairs, move around the house with a broom on one hand, and a cone of ice cream on the other. ahaha. *laughs at the corny, but true, confession.

hygiene level: 2
i would rather not elaborate on this. im a mess. next!!

hair-growth level: 5
i would like to clarify that the hair growth im pertaining to here is on my head (for those people who have other things in mind.). i guess hair grows at a high rate during the hibernating season. (refer to post about "buhok")

stress level: 1
it may seem to be too unbelievable, but my stress level has gone down. i guess that's what happens when you're with your family, in the comfort of your own couch and bed, with nothing else to think about except what you're going to eat next! this reflects a great deal about my priorities. despite the upcoming examinations for next week, instead of spending the whole weekend 'nerding' myself out, i opted to relax and enjoy the time with my family. and besides, i do think i need a rest. i suppose, i deserve it. *shushing the voice in my head saying "you should've studied, you irresponsible student.". (im trying really hard to convince myself that i did the right thing. too late for regrets, i think?)

assessment:
i had a blast! thank God! :)

because i chose/choose to.

2007-08-15T10:59:00.000+08:00

rainy season once more. raindrops fall as the gloomy atmosphere pattern with my gloomy and fatal being.

----

lately ive been seeing myself, and myself only, no one else. i guess this proves how much of a loner i am. i remember my friend (or so i think he is) telling me that "pinili mo naman na lumayo eh.". it wasnt a choice, or maybe it was. it was a choice since i did agree to such a setting but then it wasnt because i there wasnt a choice to begin with (its obvious that i am very much confused at the moment.).

but then, come to think of it, i do choose to not be a part of a world full of lies. i dont want to be in a circus full of clowns with face paint covering them, as if it would hide the truth. i dont want to live in a world lacking with substance, lacking the insight that i need. i would rather stay silent in the midst of pretentious laughter and bitter merriment.

but then leaving the world would not mean leaving the people in it. i guess, there may be some whom i choose to leave behind permanently, because i do honestly, and sincerely feel that i have no impact on their lives whatsoever, and i believe that i have made the biggest mistake of letting them enter mine. but still there are still those whom do not belong to that world, but maybe they are just tourists, visiting for a while. maybe they'd choose to come back home, the way i chose to leave.

----

ive realized that ive made a lot of choices in my life. and these choices have caused evident changes. but then, i choose not to regret them, because in the end, regret would lead me nowhere.

*oh no, this post has got to be one of my worst. sorry.

ang buhay ay parang buhok.

2007-08-06T17:58:00.000+08:00

nagpagupit ako ng buhok.

kailangan ko kasi ng panibagong hairdo.

ang buhok, kapag napagupitan na, hindi na maaaring ibalik.

unless magpapa'extensions' ka. pero ayoko nun, mashadong artipisyal.

kaya ang buhok, kung nais mong bumalik sa dati, kailangan ng panahon, para tumubong muli. ang ibig sabihin, matagal-tagal pang panahon ang dapat kong hintayin, bago tumubo ang buhok ko kagaya ng dati.

parang buhay. hai.

paalam buhok. hihintayin ko ang iyong muling pagtubo.

*kayo na bahalang umintindi. hehe.

akalain mo.

2007-07-29T21:13:00.000+08:00

hai. namimiss ko na ang feeling na kinikilig.

haha.

wala lang! random thought!

mashado na kasing busy sa school work eh!

hai.

love life.

:)

ayoko nang uminom ng gamot

2007-07-21T19:38:00.000+08:00

sa pagbuka ng aking bibig, sa paghulog ng tabletas, sa paginom ng tubig, at sa paglunok, unti unti kong nararamdaman ang pag agos ng tubig kasama ng gamot sa akin lalamunan. kasabay ng pag agos na ito ang panalangin na sana'y pagbigyan ako ng pagkakataon na sana'y gumaling na ako sa karamdamang ito.

mula pa aking pagkabata, tinuruan na ako ng aking mga magulang na uminom ng gamot tuwing magkakasakit ako. ayon sa kanila, ang gamot daw ay makatutulong para gumaling ang sakit. aasahan naman na dahil bata pa nga ako at walang kamuwang muwang sa mundo, susunod ako sa sinasabi ng aking mga magulang, kung kaya naman naniwala ako sa kanila at umiinom ako ng gamot kapag nagkakasakit ako. naisip ko naman noon na gumagaling naman ako kapag umiinom ako ng gamot.

ngayon, matanda na ako (oo, matanda na ang disiotso), napagtanto ko na hindi naman pala nakapagpapagaling ang gamot. sa tuwing lulunok ako ng tabletas, capsule, o kaya naman syrup, higit kong nararamdaman ang sakit ko. hindi ko nararamdamang humuhupa ang sakit, hindi ko nararamdamang gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko. nararamdaman kong kinakain ako ng karamdaman. pakiramdam ko, unti-unting inuubos ng gamot ang lakas ko at ang aking kagustuhang mabuhay sa mundo. pakiramdam ko, hindi nahihilom ng gamot ang sugat na dulot ng sakit ng aking katawan, ng aking kalooban, ng aking kaluluwa.

kaya ngayon, ayoko nang uminom ng gamot.

nagkakasakit lamang ako lalo.

sabi niya.

2007-07-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

WAG MAXADONG ISIPIN!!!! WAG MAXADONG DIBDIBIN!!! NAKAMAMATAY!!! - mula sa isang kaibigan.

hai.

ang masasabi ko lamang.

what a positive way to look at it.

or maybe not.

(peace tayo kaibigan. haha.)

i think id rather die.

rants.

2007-07-16T19:26:00.000+08:00

topic sa buhay ko ngayon: ang pagiging selfish.

haha. hindi ko pa maipahiwatig yung nais kong sabihin dito, pero ewan ko ba. haha. ang selfish kasi eh. haha. kulang sa simpatya, kulang sa pagiintindi ng iba, palibhasa, mashadong mahalaga ang sariling kagustuhan.i'll elaborate on this, once na mahanap ko ang tamang mga salita. haha.

----

masakit talaga ang maiwanan. umasa akong hindi ko na mararanasan pa ulit yung mga naranasan ko dati nung hindi pa ganon ka mature yung utak at puso ko, kaso, kapag may nakilala ka palang immature na tao or probably, iba lamang talaga ang pagpapahalaga, gugulo ang mundo mo. (oops, ang foul ko na ata.)

hindi ko ipagkakaila, nasaktan ako. naaalala ko pa dati, sabi mo, hindi mo gagawin sa akin yung pagkakamaling nagawa ng mga kaibigan ko sa akin noon. kaso sa nararamdaman ko ngayon, mukhang nagawa mo na, at parang higit pa ata sa level nila. haha. pero ayos lang. pinapabayaan naman kitang gawin kung ano yung GUSTO MONG GAWIN. ayoko lang marining sa iyo na sinasakal kita at kinokontrol ko ang buhay mo dahil kahit na masakit sa akin, hindi kita pinipigilang PUMILI ng mga taong nais mong makasama. haha. kala ko ang tibay na atin. alam mo yun, akala ko, hindi mo ako makakayanang bitawan ng ganon lang, pero nagkamali pala ako. binitawan mo ako. bale para na lamang akong timang dun na hindi bumibitaw sa iyo. hawak pa rin kita, kasi aaminin ko, mahirap para sa akin, dahil ako kasi, masasabi kong naiintindihan kita. eh sa kung gusto mong magkaroon ng maraming kaibigan eh. haha. kaso nakikita ko na higit na mas mahalaga para sayo ang SILA kaysa sa TAYO. haha. ewan ko ba. kala ko habambuhay na, kala ko hindi na talaga. haha. AKALA ko lang pala.

infairness, salamat ha. kasi sinasaktan mo ako. pero sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, natututo pa rin ako. haha. ayos na sa akin iyon. pero sana may matutunan ka rin sa akin. haha. mananahimik muna ako. lalayo muna ako. tutal iyon naman ata ang dapat kong gawin para magkaayos KAYO. haha. nagpaalam ka pa sa akin, eh alam mo namang masakit. haha. ewan ko ba sa'yo. haha.

PINILI kita. kaso, hindi mo ako PINILI pabalik. haha. pero ayos lang. nandito lang naman ako eh. nakakalat lang ako. siyempr, basura lng naman ako na tinatapon tapon, tapos kapag hinanap mo, madaling makahanap ng basura eh, madaling pulutin, haha. ganun ang role ko. haha. basura ng mga tao. ang basura naman, bago maging basura, useful muna. haha. siguro ganon ako, pag nagamit na, pag nagawa na yung dapat kong gawin, tinatapon na lamang nang basta basta. kaya nga wala akong BESTFRIEND eh. or walang tumatagal sa akin. haha. may diperensya ata ako. haha.

haha. hai. ang bitter ko. ang sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit naman kasing talaga. (nafeel mo bang nasaktan ako?)

haha. wala atang nakakaintindi sa akin. oo wala. hindi naman kasi ako kaintindi intindi eh. kaya nga ako namimisinterpret, kaya ako palaging may kaaway. haha. warfreak daw ako. haha. ayokong maniwala roon. i care. yun yun. kailan pa naging kasalanan ang pag-'CARE'. haha. hai.

----
nakakainis ka pala, pinasok mo pa ang mundo ko. haha. ayan tuloy, yung mundo ko, naging mundo mo na. di bale, sayo na lamang ang mundo ko. tutal, hindi naman ata napansin ng mga tao sa mundo ko na naglaho na pala ako. haha. salamat sayo, inagaw mo na naman ang buhay at kaligayahan ko. di bale, bubuo na lamang ako ng panibagong mundo. kakausapin ko na lamang si god na tulungan akong mag genesis part 2. haha.

----

hai. well. sama ng loob ko. sobra. haha. oh well. sana maintindihan ako ng nagbabasa nito. iyon kasi ang kailangan ko ngayon eh, yung iintindi sa akin.

...

pasan

2007-07-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

ok, so for the nth time, bothered na naman ako. haha. naaalala ko kanina nakausap ko yung nanay ko regarding sa stress na nararamdaman ko. hai. sabi niya mag relax daw ako kapag nasa dorm ako. ngayon na-realize ko na mahirap palang gawin iyon. lalo pa't kapag minsan ang dorm (or rather yung mga tao dun) yung nagdadala ng stress sa iyo. hindi ko nga maintindihan kung paano nagwowork yun eh. hai, siguro kasi pag stressed yung mga dormmates ko, nasstress na rin ako. eh madalas pa man din silang nasstress. hai. not to mention yung mga panahon din namang stressed din ako sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. hai. ewan ko ba sa sarili ko. marahil kasi nais ko lamang na makatulong sa kanila, dahil mahalaga sila para sa akin. kaya para bang pasan ko ang buong mundo dahil pati yung mundong pasan nila ay pinapasan ko rin. so parang buong universe na siguro yung pasan pasan ko. kamusta naman ang balikat ko di ba?. hai. kasi naman ako, nagpapaka hero nalang lagi. ang gusto ko, in one way or another, may naililigtas ako. may naitutulong ako sa kanila. kaya tuloy ganito yung nangyayari sa akin. hai. kelan kaya darating ang panahon na ako naman ang ililigtas noh? lahat naman siguro ng mga super heroes may mga pagkakataon na kinakailangan rin nila ng mga heroes na magliligtas sa kanila. lahat naman siguro ng heroes may weakness. haha. wala lang, kung baga kay superman, nasaksakan na siguro siya ng kryptonite, at tinitiis niya na lamang siguro ang panghihina hanggang sa marating niya ang katapusan. well, siguro hanggang sa dumating ang magliligtas sa kanya. hai. nakakasawa rin kasi minsan na pasanin ang mundo ng iba. hai. sana may iba ring makatutulong man lamang sa akin na pasanin ang mundo ko. wala lang. ang masaklap pa roon, parang iba yung bigat nang mundo ko. or baka feel ko lamang iyon dahil ako yung may pasan. hay ewan ko ba.

hai.

iligtas niyo ako sa mundong pinapasan ko.

2007-07-08T22:09:00.000+08:00

well, there was a certain someone who asked me to update my blog. haha. at least im happy to know that someone still appreciates my rants despite the boredom that it might inflict on those that even dare to read them. (haha, actually, hindi niya naman talaga sinabi na magpost ako. more on naghint lang. at dahil assuming ako, magpopost na rin ako! hehe.)

ive been listening to the song 'boston by augustana' and 'home by michael buble' for over two weeks now.

here are the lyrics:

"Boston"

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

i guess these songs served as an expression of what my current emotions are right now.

-ive been away from my family for so long already.

yup, its been i think three weeks (see, im even uncertain of how long it has been.) since i passed those gigantic trees, and the white rusty gate of ours in the bel air community. haha. i have my reasons for not going home. among the most evident would be the demands of my academic life, too much homework, long tests (2 na agad!!!), and papers (english, chem, and physics, hai.). but i suppose that this reason was just a small percentage of what my intentions were for not coming home. for one,i dont like the idea of some certain person staying there. she's been gone for almost my whole life then all of a sudden she intrudes in our family. i just couldnt stand the idea of her sending out mean feedbacks about my mom and my dad to think that they've been exerting all their efforts just to please her. i honestly dont want to see her. i dont even want to come near her, not even an inch. i cant even accept the fact that her blood runs in my veins. (forgive me for being so harsh.) and i also cannot accept the fact that ive been forcing myself to be away from the people i love just because of her presence. i really really miss my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister. i cannot believe that they've been really far from me (literally and figuratively) especially during this time period when i extremely need their presence. i really miss them. i really want to go home.

-i feel that ive been neglected and unappreciated by the ones i love.

i dont know. it seems that i have been exerting all my efforts to be a friend (or even more) to certain people, but it seems that they never seem to notice this. it feels as if it did not matter whether i'd be there or not. not even a simple hi or hello, nor a thank for my simple feats for them. i guess i have no impact to their lives. if my presence had no impact to them, what more to those people whom dont know me as much as these people do. it really hurts to think that my efforts have not been given attention to.

-i feel as if no one knows me

i suppose that this has been the most hurtful of all. even though i try to reach out and share my thoughts to certain people, it seems that they do not understand. they try to understand, however, they truly do not. i guess they dont know me. they could not put themselves in my shoes even once in a while. its sad to think that certain people judge me, to think that they dont even know me, more so when those people whom are closest to me seem to not really know me at all. i honestly do need someone to talk to, or at least have someone who would sympathize and empathize with me, however, ive been fearful of expressing my thoughts and emotions.

i really do just want to runaway. i want to run as fast and as far away as possible where im a total stanger to everyone around me. i want to forget all the pain and the hurt that inflicted me. i want an easy way out to all my problems and my stresses. i want another chance to look for the things that i see are missing in my life. i want to meet knew people. i want to have a chance to be a different person altogether.

but then again,

reality would never let me.

i guess that's why i just listen to these songs.

because then in those few minutes of tracks,

i get to change my reality.

tanong.

2007-06-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

how could something that feels so right be so wrong?

hai.

masakit pala kapag napunta ka sa isang sitwasyon na wala kang magagawa kundi ang tanggapin ito. kahit na ba nararamdaman mong tamang tama ang isang sitwasyon, as long as hindi ito 'meant to be', wala ring mangyayari.

hai. kanina ko pa pinipilit sagutin ang tanong na ito.

kung sino man ang may alam,

pakisagot naman.

(kung maaari lamang, IKAW nalamang ang sumagot. para diretso na. hehe.)

inevitable.

2007-06-27T20:09:00.000+08:00

its funny how things change in just a split second. (well maybe not a second, maybe a few hours, a day or two.) by thing i mean several different aspects like your emotions, your thoughts, your mood, how you interact with people, your heartbeat, your movements, your friends, your physical feelings, your love for someone and all other your "type something here" that exists and is capable of change.

i observed this starting last night till tonight. (man, how i suck, ngayon ko lamang iyon na realize! how much of a loser can i get! haha.) well, i dont know. ive been seeing a lot of changes. well maybe i did not only observed it last night, maybe for the past couple of days. i dont know. it feels really odd, one day your just having fun with your friends, then all of a sudden you're like aliens with each other. i cant understand how that really goes but it really sucks to think that things work out that way.

as for moods, there is what one calls a moodswing. but i honestly cant imagine how one can have 5 different moods in just 2 hours. haha. (sorry. grabe ka naman kasi. or grabe ako. haha. or grabe tayo! hai!)

as for the love for someone, it fluctuates like crazy! maybe because of several factors like jealousy, et. al. haha. one moment you love him, then all of a sudden you hate him so much.

as for interaction with other people. one time your with someone then after a few minutes your with a different person. i think i see the disadvantages of this. there is a saying of "quality over quantity". i think this situation applies to this. id rather be with the same people and build deep relationships with them than to be with countless numbers of people and just maintain a shallow relationship. (as in yung tawa nalang ng tawa. hai. ewan ko. iba siguro definition ko ng relationship and friendship.) well, im not capable of muti tasking with everyone, cause the way i see it, you cant have all of them, there will always be sacrifices.

as for thoughts, i suppose it never became constant. after thinking of something, it changes to another something, and back to the other something, and then a new something again. i dont know if im crazy or anything but its just that i have a lot of things in my head right now that i find it hard to focus on one thought, there always has to be change, and my head cant stop thinking.

and as for those " all other 'things' " , well, id rather not mention them. itd be too long of a list and meaning more consumed time for you readers. haha.

well. changes do occur, even in the shortest intervals, and in the most unexpected moments.

and no matter how you try to avoid it.
there will always be changes.

like now.

.

waaaaah! nagwala na! haha!

2007-06-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

ang lamig pala sa library kapag gabi. wala lang. nandito ako ngayon sa ateneo rizal library. nagmumuni muni. actually kanina ko pa gustong mapag isa at mag isip. kaso hindi pala iyon posible.

grabe, ang sakit ng katawan. katatapos lamang ng weights. then diretso sa acad meeting/snackout sa gabay. hm, hindi rin hectic noh? pero hindi naman sa sobrang nagrereklamo ako. choice ko namang umatend sa pareho. pero pagod talaga ako.

ayon. ano pa ba?

well, ang lungkot ko the past few days.

nagsimula ang lahat nung debut ko. hai. dont get me wrong, i like the idea na legal na ako at dumating naman ang mga taong nais kong makita roon, pero siyempre, marami pa ring kulang. basta, ang laki-laki nung kulang. hai. pero salamat pa rin sa aking mga magulang dahil alam kong pinaghirapan nila iyon. hai. pero ewan ko. minsan naiisip ko, sana hindi nalang ako nag-debut. hai.

ano pa ba?...

well, ewan ko. lately nasasaktan ako. most probably dahil sa mga nakikita ko. ayoko na maghintay. umasa pa ako sa wala. haha. ang tanga ko talaga. hai. kakainis naman kasi eh. hai. sinusubukan ko na lamang munang tanggalin ang thought sa sistema ko.

hm.

well wala pa akong matinong tulog. at siyempre, patong patong na gawain. pero well, wala naman akong karapatang magreklamo, dahil gaya nga ng sabi nila, pinili ko naman iyon.

hai.

namimiss ko na nga pala ang mga magulang ko. at ang pamilya ko. happy birthday pala sa tita ko at sa kapatid kong babae. mahal ko kau.

hai.

salamat nga pala sa isang tao diyan na malamang lamang na hindi niya ito mababasa. haha. wala lang. natouch ako ngayong mga nakaraang araw. hai. kung meron man akong dapat ikasaya, eh dahil nandyan ka. at alam naman nating parehong kailangan natin ang bawat isa. hai. ipit nga lang ako sa sitwasyon. pero masayang masaya ako at nagpapasalamat. sana nandito ka ngayon sa library at pinakikinggan ang mga hinaing ko. hai. at alam kong pagod ka rin, pero kakayanin mo iyan. nandito ako. at im sure, makikita mo rin ang hinahanap mo.

hm.

nakakainis, wala akong maisip na topic sa english. kasi naman, wala akong alam sa mga current issues. hai.

excited na akong magtraining ng judo bukas! maglalabas na lamang ako ng sama ng loob.

hai.

in fairness, kailangan ko ng kausap. haha, as in yung seryoso. ewan ko. kumuha na kaya ako ng personal shrink.

or magsisismba na lamang ako?

in fairness, miss ko na si Lord.

ewan ko. mashado kasing busy.

hai. RETREAT! haha. labo.

uy infairness nakakatulong pala itong tina-type ko ngayon. haha. nakagagaan ng loob. pero mas ok sana kung nagsasalita yung screen o kaya naman eh nayayakap ako nung screen. hai. i need a hug. hindi nga lang ata halatang ganung klase ako ng tao. haha.

o ayan, may nagtext. ay, globe lang pala. kala ko may nagmamahal. haha. asa naman. patay ang text life ko.

naku, bigla kong naalala na may test pala kami sa english bukas. haha. wala pa akong alam.

at nakakainis, ang bobo ko sa math at physics. sobra. mamatay na ako. haha.

kumusta naman ang self-esteem ko di ba?.. wala na. zero na. poof.!

haha. anlabo ko talaga.

nararamdaman kong namamanhid na ang kamay ko sa sobrang lamig. (anlabo ata nun. nararamdaman ang namamanhid. WEIRD!)

haha.

kailangan ko na palang ayusin ang mga bagay na gagawin ko.

hehehe.

hindi na ako magkanda ugaga sa kung ano ang uunahin eh.

hehe.

malapit na pala ang long tests. haha.

godbless na lamang sa akin.

shet. ang bobo ko talaga.

ang tanga ko pa.

ahaha. labo talaga.

hai. tama na nga. haha.

*ang labo ng post, pero siguro sobrang nag-make sense na rin. haha. labo. pero may sense. weeeee.. 8) *

hai...

para sa'yo.

2007-06-13T15:03:00.000+08:00

kala ko masaya ang araw na ito. may nagsabi pa man din sa akin kanina "you seem happy. good for you." ngayon masasabi ko nang tunay ngang nagkamali ang nagsabi nito.

hai, may nangyari kasi eh. hindi inaasahan. and to think na hindi man lamang ako nakapagpaalam sa iyo. hindi man lamang ako nakapagpasalamat sa lahat ng taon na inalagaan mo kami at prinotektahan mo ang aming pamilya. bakit naman kasi biglaan ka nalamang umalis. wala man lamang pasabi. ayan tuloy, ngayon, pinagsisisihan kong hindi ko sinabi sa iyo ang maraming bagay. ngayon, habang buhay na kitang hindi makakausap, makakasama, makakatawanan, makakaiyakan. hai.

pero masaya na rin ako,dahil alam kong nasa isang payapang lugar ka na, at alam kong diyan, hinding hindi ka na masasaktan. hindi ka na kailanman malulungkot, o luluha. kaya masaya na rin ako,kahit na wala ka na kailanman sa tabi ko. salamat.

mamimiss kita. sobra.

im so sick.

2007-06-10T22:59:00.000+08:00

hm, i guess we're not ok.

we've made promises, and it seems you dont intend to keep them. or maybe you just forgot?

damn my expectations. curse me for TRUSTING YOU.

*in a rage. *#@&%*@ *

stolen.

2007-06-10T16:41:00.000+08:00

just a few things that i stole from kaira's lj. (sorry girl, im just a fan! *lol*)

----
Atenista rants:
1. What's your ID number?
--> 06****

2. Passed or waitlisted?
--> i passed.

3. How did you know about the ACET results?
--> i was in the clinic having my braces adjusted when my dad called me and told me i passed. i sprayed water all over my dentist's face because of shock.

4. Was Ateneo your first choice?
--> eerr, sadly, no. UP was my first choice. if it wasnt for the scholarship, i would have never attended the university.

5. Do you know what your ACET score was?
--> nope. how can you know?

6. What course was your first choice?
--> BS Chemistry with Applied Computer Systems

7. Second choice?
--> ummm, cant remember, bs psychology..?..

8. Ano course mo?
--> BS Chemistry with Applied Computer Systems

9. Did you have any plans of shifting?
--> hm, yes, i planned to shift to psychology, but eventually changed my mind. what can i say, i just LOVE phenolphthalein! (is that the right isfelling?!)

10. Chinito/chinita ka ba?
--> HINDI!

11. Taga-Ateneo High?
--> of course...NOT!

12. Did you have fun in your OrSem?
--> YES!!!

13. Saang gate ka pumasok nung first day?
--> Gate 2.5.

14. Did you stay in a dorm?
--> yes. sa abada.

15. Ever had an F in your grade report?
--> thankfully, not yet. *lol

16. How about an A?
--> Yes. :))

17. Highest grade?
--> A

18. Lowest grade?
--> C (curse you math 21!!)

19. Worst experience in ADMU?
--> i almost fainted in our lab class. cmon, 5 hours straight?! (that's only if we're lucky. believe me, it takes a lot longer than 5.)

20. Did you always attend class?
--> ive cut class, but only when necessary. (hm, define necessary? *lol)

21. What were your orgs?
--> ACheS, Gabay, Aja, Amp (formerly), Wbc (formerly)

22. How many units have you passed?
--> all of them, can't count it off.

23. Nangarap ka bang maglaude?
--> still dreaming. (i dont know till when.)

24. When will you graduate?
--> 2010 for chem, and 2011 for ce/acs. (double degree.)

25. Fave subject/s?
--> PE!!! and chem of course! :D

26. Worst subject/s?
--> math. T_T

27. Fave landmark sa ADMU?
--> gesu church. :)

28. Fave kainan?
--> ampc and happy homes! (tipid!)

29. How did you get to school?
--> walk. (thankful for my comfy slippers and rubbershoes.)

30. Were you always at the lib?
--> first sem, yes, i thought the lib was a sacred place. sems to follow, ive discovered the real world.

31. Ever went to the infirmary when you were sick?
--> nope.

32. Did you have a crush in campus?
--> O_0 *blinks*.

33. May balak kang mag-MS, PhD?
--> yup. but that's still undecided.

34. Have you ever watched a graduation ceremony?
--> nah.

35. Do you know the "Song for Mary" by heart?
--> um, no. *bows head in shame*

36-38. Memorize mo ba ang Fabilioh, Halikinu at Blue Eagle Spelling?
--> blue eagle spelling. (talk about school spirit!)

39. Are you part of Team Ateneo?
--> yup. ateneo judo team. :D

40. Who's your fave UAAP basketball player?
--> jc INTAL!

41. Ever had a perfect score in an exam?
--> yup. :D

42. Ano ang ayaw mo sa Hell Week?
--> the question is, anong gusto ko sa hell week. (coz then i could think of nothing to say.)

43. Dito ka ba natuto uminom ng beer?
--> Nope. :D

44. What do you like most about our school?
--> the ambiance. and the reg. haha. :D

45. Ano ang ayaw mo?
--> the stereotypes.

46. Have you ever bought anything at the A-shop?
--> yep! i bought a shirt and an organizer! :D

47. Maganda ba ID pic mo?
--> ...

48. Done anything illegal on campus?
--> illegal? is sleeping in class illegal?...

49. Bought anything at National Katips?
--> Yes.

50. Ever gone to Starbucks Katips?
--> Yes. but not often.

51. May nakaaway ka na ba sa school?
--> marami. its either because im a warfreak or simply because i care. (i dont know, but id prefer the second one.)

52. QPI?
--> hehe.

----

List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will. Do not say who they are for.

1. i hate you. i sincerely do. and i hate myself for still wanting to patch things up with you.

2. hey, i know its hard, but you'll make it. (don't fret. im here. :D)

3. please stop. im just scared of falling. (coz i know you'll never catch me.)

4. we're ok, right?

5. i miss you so much. i miss 'us'.

6. stay. that's all i ask of you.

7. save me. i think you're the only one who can.

8. you seem so far. im sorry for pushing myself away from you.

9. we could never get along. but im still trying. i just dont know till when.

10. thank you. i dont talk much, but im truly grateful.

*hmm. XD . *
----

wordplay tagged me. (thanks a lot!! *grins at the sarcasm.* lol!)

Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

i dont know if im that weird or interesting, but still, this was what ive managed to extract from this vegetated brain of mine:

1. whenever i study for anything, it has always been my ritual to hit my head three times with whatever it is that i studied. i really mean it when i say its 'whatever'. (yes, even with chang and leithold.) *lol*

2. i bother myself with the smallest details. im the perfect example of a workaholic freak, which i think is really unhealthy, but i somehow find enjoyment out of it. i constantly stress about things that i think the normal person would not stress about. i usually sign up for a lot of work and school activities, initially complain about it, but eventually realize that it was what i wanted. i think i find fulfillment out of stress. (this incoming semester would be the most appropriate proof of this claim. *lol)

3. id rather spend my money for other people than to fulfill my own indulgences. and i usually treat people out whenever im sad, the more depressed i am, the more money i spend on other people.

4. im an 'overthinker'. my mind thinks 24/7, even when i sleep. i usually think of more than 2 things at the same time, which would explain my lack of focus during classes. i usually drown out of conversations because im thinking about other matters. even when i sleep, i think of the last problem ive been trying to solve, and end up knowing the solution the moment i open my eyes. i think too much. haha.

5. im afraid of topless girls. *lol*

6. i have a vision of wanting to do everything. and the result, i end up with nothing!

*your turn leo, jau, mica, aaron, inah, and reuben!

what major is right for you?

2007-06-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

this came out shocking for me. thought i'd take the quiz as well. haha.

You scored as Psychology/Sociology, You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Psychology, Sociology, or related majors (e.g., Counseling, Industrial-Organizational (I-O) Psychology, Social Work, or other social science majors).

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Psychology and Sociology are both great minors to add to any major. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

Education/Counseling

94%

Psychology/Sociology

94%

Religion/Theology

88%

HR/BusinessManagement

81%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

81%

Visual&PerformingArts

81%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

75%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

69%

English/Journalism/Comm

63%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

63%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

56%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

50%

Mathematics/Statistics

44%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

25%

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

the course im currently taking came out 7th in the list. unbelievable! haha. but i honestly did plan on shifting to psychology. haha. oh well. no regrets. im happy with my my course. well, for now that is. :D

the art of self perfection and self realization.

2007-06-01T22:02:00.000+08:00

its amazing how a single semester of pe could change the track of your entire college life.

i recall saying to myself that i would very much like to become a student athlete once i enter the university. although then, i pictured myself to be part of the lady eagles basketball team, wearing the blue and white jersey printed with bold letters of the ATENEO DE MANILA UNIVERSITY, sprinting around the araneta, hearing the screeching sound of my snickers echoing around the basketball court. this however would forever remain a fantasy.

my dream of becoming a student athlete came true, however in a different form. never have i imagined myself to go into the martial arts, most especially judo. and it all happened because of a pe class that my friend wanted to take up. i recall posting in my former blogger (http://shut-me-out.blogspot.com) how overly petrified i was when i learned that she wanted me to join the same class. well, i went through with it for one whole semester. i never expected an invitation from our coach since i wasnt what you'd call competition material. i was just having fun! it didnt occur to me that i would have the option of taking the sport to the next level!

i did accept the offer, with the consideration of both the positive and negative consequences of my decision. of course, such a privilege of competing for the university entitled me of certain responsibilities. i knew that the moment that i said yes, everything would be different. i remember my coach telling me that being a student athlete would be a greater challenge than trying to graduate in the ateneo alone.

good thing im willing to take the challenge. and in the process of actually joining the varsity team, ive learned to love judo as a sport and as a martial art. ive learned to respect the art itself and im willing to extend my knowledge of it not only for my own leisure but for the university im competing for.

its already been 2 months since the track of my college life took on a different route. there may be a couple of ruff turns,but despite this, im willing to drive on.

You progress not through what has been done, but reaching towards what has yet to be done -Kahlil Gibran

stress.

2007-05-29T11:14:00.000+08:00

i just realized na if ever na sa UP ako nag aral kung saan may CRS, sobrang sumuko na ako. grabe, ang bilis ko palang ma-stress sa mga ganoong bagay. ang bilis ko palang ma-stress sa mga bagay na sa tingin ko ay sobrang imposrtante, kagaya nga ng aking class schedule at program of study sa ateneo. well, i believe na its of great significance. hehe. (hindi naman siguro ako weird para sabihing importante iyon, eh hello acads at future ko ang nakataya roon). at gusto ko lamang maayos na ngayon pa lamang ang schedules para tuloy tuloy na sa registration, hindi iyong papupuntahin ka pa kung saan saan para maayos na. hai. buti na rin sigurong mastress ako ngayon at gumawa ng aksyon kaysa naman pagsisihan ko in the long run.

hai. stress.

salamat na rin siguro. (like i said in my previous post: i LOVE stress. haha.)

hang over.

2007-05-27T14:24:00.000+08:00

im embarrased to say that i miss school. dont get me wrong, it has been a very hectic schedule, however, im not used to not doing anything. or im just not used to doing something that is without any extreme need or importance whatsoever. i know i know, im crazy right?

its already been the second day of my two-week vacation and i cant seem to adjust my body clock. ive been consistently waking up at 7:30 in the morning which was my usual wake up time during the summer classes in the dormitory. ive lost plenty of hours sleep during the summer, that i was planning to redeem during the vacation but it seems that in this rate, its not possible. what's even more weird, i want to read my chem 35 book, quantitative chemistry. oh skoog, how i miss thee!! and talk about shakespeare. i miss analyzing poems as well. 'why hast thou left me in despair?'. and i want to throw people around!!! (i miss judo!).

oh, summer, what hast thou done to me?

this is just too paradoxical. (it seems false, however, its true.)

what can i say, i LOVE stress. haha.

drizzles to miracles.

2007-05-26T13:32:00.000+08:00

looking outside the window, a foggy sight and a damp atmosphere was evident with the up and coming rainy season (yes, its almost june.). the coming of the rainy season would mean goodbye summer, the sun , the heat, the white sand, and the refreshing beaches. this i saw as a chance wasted since i never actually went to a beach, make sand castles, and the like because of the hectic summer classes.

speaking of summer classes, im finally done! yes, never have i had such a busy time in my summer schedule. i recall my past summer experiences where i just vegetate myself at home with the lack of activities. now, in my college year, its a different case altogether.

ive survived six weeks of hell. (well, not everything was hell. part of it, i guess.)

never have i felt so exhausted. physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion could actually lead to someone's death. death in the sense that life seemed such a routine, such a burden, that it was as if there was no life at all. negativties can kill.

but then there is the magic of miracles.

its amazing how whenever God seemed so distant, He'd just be there waiting for you to call upon Him. miracles do happen even in the smallest details. in my case, i was revived, i was rejuvenated. i saw Him even when i was blinded by the darkness inside and outside of me. at the point that everything seemed so lost, everything seemed hopeless, and nothing made sense, He'd redo everything with a blink of an eye. He'd rearrange your life and make sense out of it. i guess that's what happens when you surrender everything unto Him. That even in the face of 'death', He'd be there, making a miracle.

wow, what a leap, from drizzles to miracles.

hm.

i guess they're connected. :)

.

2007-05-22T17:47:00.000+08:00

hai. ngayon ko lamang na-realize na kapag sobrang depressed pala ang isang tao, nagiging speechless siya. at tsaka. wala siyang masabi. nagffreeze ang utak, ang lahat nga bagay at tao sa paligid niya, ang buhay niya.

hai.

...

.

closure.

2007-05-18T14:32:00.000+08:00

oops. ngayon ko lamang napansin na super tagal na rin pala since nung last akong magpost sa blog ko. may 6 to may 18. hehe. antagal na rin. well. tinamad siguro ako. (trying to be honest here!!) or medyo nawalan ako ng budget for internet at oras na rin. hai. nako. hindi ko na tuloy naikuwento ang mga closure ko with people.

well.

eto na, ikukuwento ko na. super informal nitong kuwento kong ito.

hm. well. yung closure issue na fininalize ko nung april 10 2007 (ang tagal na talaga!), was about yung issue namin nung bestfriend kong lalaki noong highschool. well medyo nagkalabuan kami, imagine bestfriend ko siya for four years (since first year hanggang fourth year highschool), pero nung grumaduate kami at may sinabi ako sa kanyang hindi dapat sabihin ("mahal kita" haha.), nagkaiwasan kami for one whole year. bale buong first year college eh hindi kami nagusap or walang kahit anong form of communication from both of us. eh, napagisip isip ko lamang, na parang ang sayang ng apat na taon, at ang pagkakaibigan namin kung hindi ko gagawan ng paraan. narealize ko rin na i shouldn't have fallen for him in the first place, it was my fault, it time na mag move on na kami pareho sa problemang iyon. at narealize ko rin na wala na talaga, kaya parang hindi worth it na ma sacrifice ang friendship namin. kaya ayun, finally tinawagan ko na siya.

yung tawag na iyon eh long distance pa, tumawag ako from laguna. hehe. well. namiss ko kasi ang bez ko. as in yung kaibigan ko, hindi yung something more. narealize ko na higit na masarap ang feeling na mahal mo ang kaibigan mo bilang isang kaibigan lamang. kaya ayun. nagusap kami, nagkamustahan, at tinawanan ang nakaraan. hehe. hai. parang napaka normal na, yung tipong nung dati pa, na wala talagang ibang inaalala kundi ang pagkakaibigan. ang saya pala talaga, walang expectations sa bawat isa, walang madidisappoint. at mayroong pagkakaintindihan mula sa bawat isa.

kaya ayun, masaya naman ako sa kinalabasan nung closure namin. at masasabi ko na nag start-over na lamang kami, parang 5 years ago lamang ulit, kagaya nga nung first year high school pa lamang kami, only more mature. hehe. well. ang masasabi ko lamang, salamat bez, dahil binigyan mo ako ng isa pang pagkakataon para maipakita ko sa iyong kaibigan mo talaga ako. sana tuloy tuloy na ito. hehe. (as if mababasa mo ito, pero malay natin di ba? hehe.)

ayun.

:)

incoherent thoughts.

2007-05-18T13:57:00.000+08:00

hm. napakalaki ng nagagawa ng isang hindi sinasadyang akbay at yakap sa pagtingin ng isang tao sa isang kaibigan. akala ko nung una, wala lamang iyon para sa akin, iyon pala'y mayroon.

nakakainis ang impulse noh? i mean, kapag may sudden jolt of action galing sa iyo na hindi mo aakalaing gagawin mo, yung tipong out of your character talaga. ang masaklap pa dun, you'll end up wondering kung bakit mo ginawa iyon at iisipin mong baka subconciously, yun talaga yung nais mong mangyari. hai, gaya nga ng yakap na iyon.

hai.

nakakainis nga rin pala ang chem. major ko siya, and yet, natatakot ako sa kanya. super nagdadala ng stress. hai. Lord, sana ma exempt ako.

nakakainis din ang play, ang daming kakabisaduhin. ok fine, gusto ko yung idea na aarte ako, pero hindi ko naman akalain na ganon ka raming lines ang kailangan kong kabisaduhin. hehe. well, goodluck na lamang sa play na iyon! hehe. (sino kayang manonood? hehe.)

hm, naeexcite na akong mag june 23! HEHE.

hai, gusto ko nang matapos ang summer classes, para makauwi na ako sa bahay namin at makapag aral na rin akong mag drive (as in yung formal driving lessons sa A1) hehe. wala lng, gusto ko talagang magmaneho eh, kahit wala kaming kotse, haha. anlabo.

hai. gusto ko na rin ng lablyp, panawagan sa mga artista diyan!! hehe jowks lng. pero i really miss the feeling na kinikilig ka. heheh. labo talaga.

gusto ko ng ice cream at cake ngayon! haha. ewan ko ba, ilang araw na akong nagccrave. grabe, now you know kung bakit ako ganito ka laki. hehe.

hm. well, ang saya mag judo at magweights. wala lang. mga perks ng varsity. hai. kaso nahihiya nga ako sa team eh, dahil madalas akong absent. kakainis naman kasi at laging late natatapos ang lab. or kung kailan naman ako puwedeng magpractice, ayaw naman ng katawan ko, either may masakit sa leeg or braso or sa kung saan man, or may unexpected na mangyayari. hai. gusto kong magwork hard para sa team, gusto kong masabi sa sarili ko na i really am part of it. pero sa mga nakikita ko ng nangyayari ngayon, parang hindi pa rin. gusto kong makabond ang team. hai. wala nga lang oras.

hai oras. sana hawak ko na lamang ang oras sa aking mga kamay. haii..

grabe. mashado na bang mahaba itong post na ito? hehe. grabe. super daloy ng kamalayan na naman ulit. para naman at least you can get an idea of what goes on in my head right now.. hehe.

incoherent grabe.

and that day.

2007-05-06T17:30:00.000+08:00

i recall saying to my self, i wanted a fun summer for 2007. this however, was not humanly possible once your staying in the ateneo. i know you might be too sick of me ranting for two posts straight about how hell-ish (understated, i think.) my days (or weeks) are currently. well sorry, but i just cant help it. my summer dream turned out to be a nightmare (well not all of it, i guess. still 2 more weeks to count of, and of course, there were better days.).

(better days)

well there was labor day **** (and there is an internal conflict of whether to post the happenings of that date. haha.)

*ang labo ng post na to. haha. kinikilig ako. labo talaga.

just NORMAL.

2007-04-30T21:19:00.001+08:00

alright. finally the blogger dashboard. ive been having a hard time accessing the net for the past couple of days. budget problems i guess? or maybe time management? or just the plain old sluggish syndrome.

so anyway.

what have i been up to lately?

well, nothing really. everything is just NORMAL.

haha.

id say its NORMAL that a friend asks me out for lunch at one very unexpected time.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i only get 4-5 hours of sleep a day over the past couple of weeks. to think that its only the second week of classes.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i feel so distant from my family ever since the start of the summer classes. its been so long since i felt that i was still a part of the family.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i close myself (my emotions, my transparency, my trust) from my friends. i cant seem to muster the courage to open up to the ones that i consider to be open to.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i cry almost every night and i find myself looking for a hug, but then i find no one.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i find myself inside the university chapel staring into blank space, asking the higher being what the HELL am I supposed to do in this world, and finding myself with no answer at all.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i see myself alone in the presence of a crowd, and i see only blurred faces, apparitions of someone abstract.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

so there.

everything's just NORMAL.

too much bullshit.

2007-04-18T21:14:00.001+08:00

somebody told me "huwag mong pasanin ang mundo sa iyong balikat". "atlas" that's what they call me. although 'they' only consisted of two people, two people whom are very important in my life.

IMPORTANT. yes, when i say someone is important to me, it would only mean one thing, that this important thing/person/whatever means life and death for me. that bracket would include God, my family, my friends. which means, ang "pagpasan ko ng mundo sa aking mga balikat" are for them, and them only. i dont know if im being selfish or anything, but is it really that horrible to feel for someone else?

and for those people who say that im always stressed, yes your right i am. however, you have no right to hold that against me. you may judge me all you want, but you dont know what im going through right now. maybe you can laugh all you want, see life as one big game, but we have a different way of looking at things. me, stressing about things is my way, my formula to getting past through life and survive it the best way that i could possibly can. hope that before you even think about judging me of being stressed and too overly sensitive, try to be in my shoes once in a while. we meet different people, i try my hardest to flex for other people, maybe you can try flexing a little bit too.

(hai. sama talaga ng loob ko. sori pero eto talaga yung nararamdaman ko. feel free to comment on this post. i dont know. im just so fucked up right now. it hurts. it really does.)

*happy birthday margo.

nakakainis (napatagalog tuloy ako ng sobra sobra. kawawa na ang balarila! hehe.)

2007-04-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

so bago ang lahat, bago ako magpost tungkol sa closure issues ko with some people, ishashare ko muna ang araw na ito, which is actually not yet over, haha.

hm, well release ng grades ko kanina, yun. eh well, masaya naman ako sa kinalabasan. pero super na-tetest ang aking patience at ang aking paagiging kontento sa mga bagay na binibigay sa akin. hope i could do better though. hai. which is my goal. at alam kong tutulungan ako ni Lord na maabot yun.

at kamusta naman ang kabadtripan ko sa mga taong nagpapasaway talaga. hai, grabe, ang tanda nyo na! magbago na kayo! sana alam nyo na kung kelan dapat maging ganyan. hai nako. kilala nyo kung sino kayo!

godbless na lang sa inyo.

well. godbless sa akin. ayun.

s-i-g-h (sorry henson, copyright.)

2007-04-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

just a few more hours before i'd see that piece of dirty white paper...

s-i-g-h...

*up next, the closure issue. :D godbless sa release ng grades mamaya! *

kuwentuhan.

2007-04-10T13:50:00.000+08:00

tuesday na pala. hindi ko man lang namalayan ang bilis ng oras. siguro dahil nagenjoy (?) rin ako sa bakasyong ito. halos dalawang linggo rin to. hindi na ako magrereklamo. ok na to, kaysa wala di ba?

ang bilis nga talaga ng panahon. dalawang araw na lang, release na ng grades. tatlong araw na lang, registration na for summer classes. anim na araw na lang, pasukan na naman,. hai. pagod at puyat na naman. at siyempre ilang linggo na naman akong mawawalay sa pamilya ko.

pero hindi naman sa panay malulungkot at negatibong bagay na lang ang kasabay ng pagdating ng summer classes ko. sa totoo lang, excited akong makita ang mga blockmates at dormmates ko. na-miss ko rin sila. at tsaka, looking at the bright side, mas magiging productive ang summer ko, kaysa naman nakakulong lang ako sa bahay at walang ginagawa di ba?

pero yun lang, medyo naparami ata ako ng gagawin. well tatlong subjects sa summer, 8 units overall. plus may judo training ng mwf at weight training ng tth. tapos plano ko pang kumuha ng summer job to help my family a bit. plano pa lang naman yun. ewan ko kung matutuloy. its not that im complaining. kasi hindi. masaya naman ako na maraming gagawin. i just hope kayanin ng katawan at utak ko. hehe.

so ayun. sinabi ko sa sarili ko na bibigyan ko ng closure lahat ng unfinished business ko with other people, beginning with those whom i turned my back on. so wish me luck. hehe. update ko kung anong mangyayari. so for now, eto muna. hehe. XD

brushing up on my history.

2007-04-08T09:53:00.000+08:00

9.11.06 post from my old blogger. (just felt like brushing up on my history.)

mixed emotions are piling up. i've been exerting all my efforts to fall asleep just to rid myself of this disturbance. butterflies in my stomache keep churning. although, it is very clear to me. (cant say im not having the same feeling, especially right now, with days away to count off for the release of my final grades from last semester and my summer classes start a few days afterwards. mixed emotions are definitely piling up, although not that extreme. id give it 3 days more, then the churning may highten.)

our schedule was surprisingly accessible. classes start at 11:30 every monday and friday and ends at 4:30 in the afternoon. (ok so this 11:30 class was not really followed through because of the unexpected problem solving classes we were required to attend. fridays were the only actual day for an 11:30 class. which was quite convenient for rushing some deadlines and lab reports. so hurray for the friday 11:30 class! wee!) tuesdays and thursdays start at 9 in the morning and end at 2:30 in the afternoon. (this schedule was quite convenient. after the 2:30 class, me anf my friend would always enjoy the view of the ateneo football field with a cup of instant coffee in one hand. its nice to get away from the noise and the real world for a few minutes. hah. how much id miss those moments.) i think wednesday is the only day that's hectic because its a lab day! hell day starts ta 7:30 and ends at 4:30 where we only have an hour break. (i cant believe that hell day was as hell as wednesdays. i have never experienced anything much worse.) but at least it was better than the previous semester where we dont have a hell day but instead a hell week. haha *laughs at herself for that thought.* (now i'd definitely laugh at myself for having that thought. the load from the first semester was actually lighter than that of the second. hell months were the right term, not hell day, which was actually definitely much worse! [i love the sarcasm! haha.])

oh, i almost forgot to mention, i have a new dorm! yey! well, "yey" for the thought that my sanctuary was just walks away from school, but ofcourse moving to a new dorm would mean another adjusting period for me. well i hope this moving thing would be for the better. *sorry by the way to the one whom i left behind.sorry.hindi ko sinasadya* (my new dorm was actually great! never really did expect that to happen. at first, things were a little hard for me, since my roomates had their own clicks. im not really an expert in the friendly *pakapalan* moves, so its mostly an earphones-my own world sort of life for me in the dorm. but things got a lot better when one of my blockmates moved in. everything else followed. its basically an independent life [with your friends/fellow dormers to help once in a while], to the fullest.)

oh and another thing, my pe is judo! yey! i dont know if im excited or just plain scared! haha. (surprisingly, my judo pe experience was fun. never have i experienced being thrown by the whole class. and attending judo as my pe class opened a new door for me, a new adventure, judo as a lifetime sport, a loved sport, a varsity adventure in my 5 years of stay in the university.)

and im hoping to join the wbc. ive already had a scheduled appointment on monday plus a scheduled meeting for gabay at the same time interval! haha. ok. its official. i am going to die! (wbc, didnt turn out to be what i expected. sadly, my dream to become an ateneo lady eagle was short-lived. it was fun while it lasted though. i met a lot of new friends. but the very idea that it was a club and attendance to trainings were not required, but only for ethical and moral purposes, and i didnt quite find the fulfilment i was looking for, it made me set my priorities. sadly wbc was among those at the end of the list. i have issues, i guess. but i think those are things better left unsaid. as for my gabay and aches membership [my other two organizations], everthything was fine. but 'fine' wouldnt guarantee me of renewing my memberships to these organizations. i'll be thinking a lot about it come the after-summer-classes school break. didnt get the purpose of it all, which i think is a different story, and a different post all together. )

haha. (haha indeed. for the past couple of months of the 2nd semester, 'haha' was my mask of all the emotions i felt. again, another post for this one.)

oh well. butterflies. haha. (a yes. butterflies. but hey, butterflies fly away right? haha.)

rants:the beginning (or continuation?)

2007-04-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

alright. presenting, (trumpet sound in the background)...

nah, never mind.

its the second installment of rants from yours truly.

it was only a few months ago when i decided to move out of the fifth estate, and maybe try to use a pen and a paper instead of hassling over the internet connection availability (dorm issues.). i was trying to run away from a lot of things, and among the solutions (or so it seemed during that time) was to erase my blogger account, or rather, change my blogger url and have it private where people wont have any access with my life and my thoughts (insecurities. again with the issues.).

but realizations hit me (too much mind work i think.)

or to cut the long story short, i missed it. a lot.

which brings me back to this post.

so anyway, this marks the beginning of my rants, or maybe a continuation, i don't know.

WE 'll just have to find out.

*happy easter guyz.